I couldn't sleep last night because I had so many great ideas about how to write this blog. I really should have gotten up and done it because now I can't remember one damn thing.
Oh, well. We'll just wing it today.
As with most things in the last 8+ years, I feel like I'm going backwards. I wrote about that a lot in
my book - in fact, that was the main reason I felt so "mediocre." I kept thinking that I was grieving backwards and mourning my husband in the wrong order. I lived life at a break-neck pace in the beginning, only to crash months later. I threw parties and emmersed myself in my friendships and then isolated myself later in my dimly lit basement where I cranked out a book.
And I dated early...which brings me to where I am today. Not wanting to date at all.
There are moments when I let myself remember what it's like to be part of a relationship - to hold hands walking through the mall, to ask someone what they think about what's on TV, to have that blind acceptance of someone else because you know they feel the same way about you.
Yes. I miss that.
But it's the
getting there that I can't do. Years ago, after Brad died, I was so determined to find someone else and settle down again that I was open to just about anything. Now, eight years later, alone and somewhat jaded (I'll be the first to admit it), I'm not open to anyone. I don't know when it happened. It just did.
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Well, that's not entirely true. When I look back I can see the progression. I was married to a good man and I lost him. I had a relationship after that that hurt me deeply which was yet another loss. Both of those experiences left me scared. And being scared forced me into a life in Singleville. And being single became something I cling to.
In other words: all those years ago I was scared to be alone. Now I'm scared to be attached.
So, here's what happens. With every man I encounter, I pick them apart to the point where there's nothing left. I'm the relationship vulture. If you have a flaw, I'll circle until I find it. I'm not mean about it - it's all in my head. But if they have any of the qualities of the men that haven't worked out since my husband died...I'm outta there.
And what if they don't have one? Well, that's the pickle I'm in now.
I went on a date last week (my mother's going to read this and say, "What? And you didn't tell me?") and it was lovely. He showed up with rose (who does that anymore?), took me to see a jazz band (points for creativity), and we went out for a bite to eat where he suggested we order just about every fried item on the appetizer menu (I hope he's still around when I'm PMSing -that could come in handy).
Up until that point, I'd already been testing him. Oh, yes. Me and my wicked ways. I'm widowed. I have three kids. I work. Which makes me unresponsive, unavailable, and usually has any man saying after a week, "You know what? It doesn't seem like you have time for this."
Not this one (so far). I get text messages that tell me how much he admires me for taking all of this on my own. That he doesn't want to push, but he would be really happy to see me when I can make it work. That he understands if I don't call when I say I will because I have so much going on.
Well, shit. Now what do I do?
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Here's the sad part - the part where the girl finds a nice guy and realizes that being single has nothing really to do with the men out there. It's entirely her doing and she has to decide if being with someone else is worth the risk. She has to decide if the fear that she's allowed to take over her life (in many areas) is what's going to be her companion. If it will keep her safe.
I don't know.
I had a consultation with an author yesterday who is working on a memoir about the abuse she suffered when she was first married in the 1960s. She never remarried and she said, "I never wanted anyone to have control over my life again."
And I found myself nodding along to everything she was saying. I've never been abused, but I am a control freak and allowing someone else to influence my life is a very scary prospect right now.
But I listened to this woman, who is now in her 70s, tell me she's been alone since then. And that got me to thinking.
Do I want the next memoir I write to be about all the fear that's kept me from living?
I don't think so.
I mean...who would read THAT?
Being single awards us certain privileges like not having to consider
a partner in decision making and taking up literally all the space on
the bed at night. There are 17 things you should consider when you start
dating someone who has been alone for a while.
1. They might do things without letting you know
At first at least. Being single for an extended period of time gets
you into the habit of acting alone. As your relationship develops, so
will your partnership with them.
2. They’ll likely want to move slowly
It’s not that they don’t like you. They’re just not in a rush to be married to you.
3. Their friends might be overprotective
But that’ll wear off with time. They’re just not used to seeing their friend be with someone else.
4. They might not let you do things for them
Again, don’t take it personally. Single people are used to taking
care of themselves. They’re not used to having someone look out for
them.
5. They might be a little stubborn at first
Don’t worry, it’ll fade. Much like doing things without letting you
know, this is how a single person operates. But eventually, your
partnership will materialize.
6. They’ll want to be left alone sometimes
Especially at first. They’re probably not going to be head over heels
for you the second your first date starts. They might still be nervous,
but not exactly eager to jump into anything too serious too fast.
7. There may be a point where they pull away
Give them time and space. They are probably just realizing how serious it’s getting.
8. They might question your feelings
They’ll probably want to get into your head. They’re used to being
able to figure things out on their own with themselves. Now they feel
like they have to figure you out too.
9. They might be headstrong initially
They’re not likely to ask for or accept help. They’ll let go of their tight grip eventually.
10. They have their guard up
But like everything else listed here, they’ll let it down eventually. Especially if you’re patient.
11. They might not be too trusting at first
And besides, why would they trust you fully after a few dates? Be patient and it’ll come.
12. They’ll seem strong
But don’t be intimidated. It’s just a protective shell. They’ll come out eventually.
13. They might be reserved
A lot of these apply to me before I found myself happily in a
relationship but this one. I’m outgoing on a date. Maybe too outgoing.
But not everyone is like that. In general.
14. They may not show any vulnerability
Their weaknesses may be hidden. They’ll likely feel weak once those
vulnerabilities are out in the open. Make sure you’re there to protect
your new partner.
15. They don’t need you
And they may never. But in time, they’ll want you, and that’s what you want.
16. They’re likely afraid
Afraid of being hurt, of being in love, and of being loved. They may be afraid of being hurt again.
17. Being alone is their comfort zone
So be sure to take care not to charge into their comfort zone uninvited.
