Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Decision-Making Freak Out



Earlier this week I had a dream about my husband.  It doesn't happen often, but I've had a dream similar to this one before.  I'd just found out that my husband had actually been alive these long seven years (where he was, I don't know...had he been a CIA agent on assignment?  The possibilities are endless) and I'd just heard that he was coming home.

As we all know, when we have powerful dreams, we usually wake up holding on to some of the feelings we experienced in the dream.  For example:  I've been annoyed with a friend the next day because she pissed me off in my dream the night before or stressed the moment I've woken up and have had to remind myself that I did in fact graduate from high school, so I don't have to worry about final exams anymore.

Stuff like that.

So when I woke up from my dream this week, I groggily thought, "I should feel so happy.  I got to see Brad."  But instead, I found myself feeling....

Panicked.

In the dream, I was sitting on a bench, waiting for Brad to appear, petrified that he was going to go through the list of decisions I'd made since he'd been gone and disapprove of every one of them.  I sat there like a child, waiting to be punished.

Of course, I woke up before I found out what he thought about any of it.  But that's not the point. 

The point is that seven years into widowhood, there is still a part of me that doesn't trust myself.

~
In the beginning, the thought of being the sole decision maker did one of two things:  It either scared the shit out of me or empowered me, depending on the day.  The afternoon I picked out a new living room couch?  LOVED IT.  The day I started thinking about moving the family from the house we'd been in for ten years?  Hello, Fear.  

I've sat in hospitals alone with a child, wishing someone could be there to help me figure out what to do.  And I've made financial decisions, somewhat grateful that I don't have someone here to second guess me.

The thing is that with every decision, there is a piece of Brad.  Whether it's a "screw you, I like this paint color and you're not here to argue with me" or talking to him while I'm driving down the road and asking the empty car, "What would you do if you were here?" he always plays at least a small part in most of the decisions I make.

And I'm not sure I'm always happy about it.  

I wonder what it would be like to just make a decision without having that little widow voice inside my head saying, "What would he think if he was here?"

I wonder if I will ever know?

~
I finished a manuscript a few months ago - yet another "widow read" but this time it's fiction. In the book, a young woman has lost her husband and one night she wishes he could come back.  He ends up appearing in a way only she can see and helps her through a lot of her first big decisions as a new widow:  going through his clothes, going on her first date...things like that.

At one point, they're having a conversation where she's telling him how much she's missed talking to him and getting his point of view.  And this is what he says:

"I know," he said, looking at me sympathetically.  "I missed being able to talk back and forth with you, too.  But the point is, you knew me so well.  You knew me better than anyone else.  And because of that, there is a part of you that will always be able to talk to me.  And a part of you that will always be able to hear what I have to say."

I don't know why that made me feel better.  It was like I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when she discovers that she's always had the power to go home.  That I would always have it in me to talk to Henry and have him with me gave me a small sense of comfort.

"But it's not the same," I said, sadly.  "It's not the same as asking you what you think about things or what you think I should do."

"I know it's not," he said.  "But in some ways, it really doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what I think about you moving or whether you date or whether you buy a new car.  This is your life now.  It's yours.  And I don't ever want you to think for one moment that I ever doubted the way you lived it.  I didn't before and I never will."

This piece of the book happened during one of my euphoric moments as a writer:  When it just seemed to write itself and I was reading it as I went along.  I remember finishing this and leaning back and thinking, "Where did that come from?"  But like all writing, everything comes from somewhere deep inside you that you may not have even realized you were thinking.

Or, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz...that  you knew all along.

22 comments:

  1. After he was gone 3 years I bought a new couch and cried because it was the first piece of furniture I bought new with out him. Same with the car, I told my brother to just tell me what to get because I just didn't care, it was his thing. I miss bouncing all of this off of him even though I always made most of the decisions.

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    1. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

      Delete
    2. I made a promise to tell my testimony all over the globe once my man come back to me and my husband came just as Great Mother told me when she helped me. I made the right choice to have contacted Great Mother the great spell caster who is capable of helping you solve your problems. My man left me to suffer and i never believed that he will come back to me again but when i contacted Great Mother she assured me that my man will come again. She gave me some list of items to buy but i could not get them in my country and so i sent her the money and she bought the items and prepared the perfect love spell. My husband ran back to me in 3 days time begging for forgiveness THIS IS SO REAL AND GENUINE. NO SCAMS. I was so surprise that the spell worked just as she told me. This is so amazing and i want you to believe because Great Mother is so real and i urge you contact her now on her email so that she can also help you the way she helped me. Her email is Greatmotherofsolutiontemple@yahoo.com and you can also contact her with her phone number on whats app +2348078359876 you can also check and contact her on
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      I made a promise to tell my testimony all over the globe once my man come back to me and my husband came just as Great Mother told me when she helped me. I made the right choice to have contacted Great Mother the great spell caster who is capable of helping you solve your problems. My man left me to suffer and i never believed that he will come back to me again but when i contacted Great Mother she assured me that my man will come again. She gave me some list of items to buy but i could not get them in my country and so i sent her the money and she bought the items and prepared the perfect love spell. My husband ran back to me in 3 days time begging for forgiveness THIS IS SO REAL AND GENUINE. NO SCAMS. I was so surprise that the spell worked just as she told me. This is so amazing and i want you to believe because Great Mother is so real and i urge you contact her now on her email so that she can also help you the way she helped me. Her email is Greatmotherofsolutiontemple@yahoo.com and you can also contact her with her phone number on whats app +2348078359876 you can also check and contact her on
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  2. A year after he died someone helped me replace the belt on the mower deck. When it was time to put the tools away, something I'd done hundreds of times with him, I couldn't think - couldn't remember which drawers to put them in. And I thought damn you for dying. I'll put them wherever I feel like it. And I cried for two days.

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  3. WOW.. exactly what I have been dealing with, it's like your in my head! LOL

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  4. It's good to see that we all go through the same feelings. I'm about to move house and it is strange having to make all the decisions myself. I was always confident- but only because he was in the background for me. Miss his protection..

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  5. I felt so lost after my husband died, but I did feel a lot of independence as time went on. I know it might sound bad to others, but many times I felt relieved that no one could argue with decisions I made for our son.

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  6. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm grieving for my father in law. I miss my rock and protector. My in laws are alienating me, I wish I knew why. My husband hasn't the best relationship with them. I pray this difficult time will pass. Your an exceptional lady.

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  7. I wonder when I will stop missing my husband. I have had some good days where I am genuinely happy, and then bam, for some reason I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. This journey is so very difficult and I am less than 5 months in.

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  8. Do you need an urgent spell to get your ex back, there is a great spiritualist who can help you, his name is Dr Brave!!

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my husband back to me.. My name is Natasha Johnson,i live in Florida,USA,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with three kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{bravespellcaster@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website { http://enchantedscents.tripod.com/lovespell/},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr Brave for bringing back my husband ,and brought great joy to my family once again. { bravespellcaster@gmail.com }, Thanks..

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    1. Take your troll responses and get lost. This is for widows and widowers.

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  9. Today being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love so much, i tried all my possible best to make sure i make my lover happy but it never seems to work out well it was like am doing everything in vain but all thanks to Dr onofe for coming to change all my worries and sadness to Joy. i knew the great man when i read some wonderful reviews about Dr Onofe how he has helped a lots of people on there relationship problem i was reading a magazine which then i saw great testimonies as well which then i decided not to waste time because i have missed my lover so much i decided to contact him and share all my problem with him which then he told me not to worry that he assures me that within 48 hours everything would be sorted out i believed Dr Onofe so much because i believe he can't fail me but truly Dr Onofe never failed me cos a man that stand on his worlds is really a man,my husband who left me for a year plus replied my text and for the first time returned my calls and asked me to please forgive him i was so happy and so grateful to Dr Onofe for what he has done for me. if you are there passing through this same problem or of any kinds just contact this great man on onofetemple@yahoo.com or call him on +2348100078330.

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  10. All thanks to the source of my happiness{ DR. MAGBU}. Hello Every one out here!!I want to share my testimony and my happiness with you all in this site, last year my husband left me for another woman in his working place and he abandon me and my 2kids, everything was so hard for me because i love him so much, so i saw the testimonies of Dr.Magbu how he has been helping ladies in getting there husband back so i contacted him and he help me to cast a return spell for my husband and in 3 days my husband left the other woman and he come back to me with so much love and caring. i will never forget this help that Dr.Magbu gave to me and my children.if you are here you need help to get you lover back you can contact him through this email reunitingexspell@gmail.com , i am proud to be on his testimony page.

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  11. living a life without the one you love being by your side is like living in hell. i confirm it when my lover left me and promised never to return i tried all i could to get her back but the more i try the more she go far from me then i said to myself there most be a solution to this because there is know problem on earth without solution then i decided to do some research on the internet and i came across this great spell caster called Dr.Abolo and how he has been helping people in achieving back there loves once. immediately i piked up his contact info and contacted him. when i contacted him i told him my problem all he said was relax and see what will happen within the next 48hrs just as the time clock 48hrs my lover called me asking for re-union and today we are now happily together again as lovers. so you out there looking for a way to get back your lover i will advice you to send am email to him for help via Abolospell@hotmail.com or call him directly on +2347052534659 he was sent to help me and you out of hart-break.

    ReplyDelete

  12. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

    ReplyDelete

  13. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm sure God led me to you. You have helped me soooo much! I will always be grateful for restoring my marriage because there are other people out there who are also in need of your help. keep up the good work Gbenga Okokodu. you can contact him on his email gbengaokokodu@yahoo.in

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  15. I know is really hard to stay alone without your lover been around you, I was in the same situation for 6 months till I find a solution, we both fall in love with each other and we got married but after 1 year of our marriage everything was changing after he got a new job in a new city, we where still talking on phone when he move to where he now working after spending just 2 months there, everything changed he stop calling me and any time i call him a lady will pick his call i was wondering what is happening till he called me that he was getting a divorce i was surprise to hear that from him i thought it was a joke till it happened then I realize I can't stay without him so i began to look for a solution then i came across Dr. EKPEN of EKPEN TEMPLE on the internet who helped me to bring my lover back. i will drop his email address in case you are passing through the same situation so you can contact him on (((((Ekpentemple@gmail.com)))))) or call him on +2347050270218.

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  16. Dear friends i want to use this medium to say a very big thanks to Dr Shine On How i got my boyfriend back. Am Bella Johnson by name I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr Shine he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the Dr Shine only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is: divinemercysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +2348069502126

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  17. My name is NATASHA, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls i tried all i could . Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who has also had a similar problem, she told me of a spell caster called dr Okun of okuntemple@gmail.com who helped her solved her marital problems. But i told her that if it has to do with making blood sacrifice that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with that and she said what is required of me is to do as i am directed so i obeyed.i provided dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com of the details as he requested after three days of the reunion spell initiation choice that i made as presented before me my husband jones Mimi came back to me begging that he was sorry to have cheated on me that it wasnt his fault and i forgave him as i publish this testimonial i do such with all joy knowing that there is somebody out there who is in need of help dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com is a passionate and reliable love spellcaster waste no time to tell him of your problem at okuntemple@gmail.com or call his number on +2347060595685 i know he will help you just as he helped me

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  18. My name is NATASHA, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls i tried all i could . Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who has also had a similar problem, she told me of a spell caster called dr Okun of okuntemple@gmail.com who helped her solved her marital problems. But i told her that if it has to do with making blood sacrifice that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with that and she said what is required of me is to do as i am directed so i obeyed.i provided dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com of the details as he requested after three days of the reunion spell initiation choice that i made as presented before me my husband jones Mimi came back to me begging that he was sorry to have cheated on me that it wasnt his fault and i forgave him as i publish this testimonial i do such with all joy knowing that there is somebody out there who is in need of help dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com is a passionate and reliable love spellcaster waste no time to tell him of your problem at okuntemple@gmail.com or call his number on +2347060595685 i know he will help you just as he helped me

    ReplyDelete

  19. My Name is Patrica Ewdard..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster..He is really powerful..My husband and I were divorce with no reason for almost 3 years and i tried all i could to have him back because i really love him so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and he woke up one morning and said it is over between us and he was going to get a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when he came back from work he tender to me a divorce letter and he packed all his loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have him back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 3 years.So when i told the spell caster what happened he said. he will help me and he asked for his full name and his picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try because i have tried so many spell casters and there was no solution.so when he finished with the casting,he got back to me that he's with a woman and that is the reason why he left me.The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring him back.but i never believe all this.he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,he called me himself and came to me apologizing and he told me he will come back to me..at first I didn't believe it,it was like a dream because i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there was no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and i got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid Thanks to Dr Dros ..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever be thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster i have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here: the email address Drossuva@gmail.com Or Website http:drossolution.webs.com good luck

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