Does anyone else remember the moment when they realized that life was still going to happen even though we thought it had come to a stand-still? I’ve had several moments like that, but I distinctly remember the first time it happened.
Not long after my husband’s death, my best friend called to tell me that she was pregnant. I was so happy for her…over the moon. But after thinking about it for a bit, I realized that my best friend was going to have a baby. A whole new person. And my husband was never going to meet him. My friend’s son might hear stories and “know” him in an abstract way, but he would never be tickled by him. Never hear him laugh. That child would never get to see my husband act like a jackass with his own dad.
Really…he’s going to miss out on a lot.
I can’t tell you what a disturbing feeling that was for me. Actually, it still is a little. And it’s not that I’m so egocentric that I can’t believe the world doesn’t revolve around me and my needs (okay…maybe I am. But I’m working on it). It was just so unbelievable to me that new things would happen…that my husband would never see.
A lot of us have talked about the movie P.S I Love You (which if you haven’t seen it and you’re new to this journey…caution, caution, warning ahead…possible nervous breakdown inducer). One of the most memorable moments in that movie for me was when the widow was sitting in a little rowboat in Ireland with her 2 best friends. One of the friends lets it slip that she’s pregnant and the other blurts out that she’s engaged. I’ll never forget the crestfallen look on the widow’s face the moment she realizes that life was going to go on…even though she thought it had stopped.
At that point, that character kind of retreats from her friends. And her friends mistake that for her being selfish. But I can relate to that feeling. Knowing that life is going to go on for everyone else whether you like it or not is an overwhelming feeling. And having that moment when you realize you better get on the boat or it’s going to leave without you, is a hard thing to wrap your mind around.
It’s actually the little things that really hit me. Songs that I hear on the radio and think, “He never heard this one. I wonder if it would have gotten on his nerves?” He would never see Modern Family. Never get to meet all of the wonderful people I’ve met since he’s been gone.
One of the most confusing times I’ve had with this was when I started dating someone new…who I just knew my husband would like. How weird is that?? To be dating someone and think, “Awww shoot! My husband will never meet him! They would have loved each other!”
Now that I think about it…the fact that this guy is dating his wife…that introduction probably wouldn’t have gone over so well.
I know everyone goes through this when they’re dealing with loss and no one knows about it until that day comes. And our friends aren’t being insensitive when they get on with their lives…they just don’t know.
But that time will come for everyone. That same friend who had the baby is now dealing with her mother who has terminal cancer. And one of the first things she said to me was, “My son will never really know her.” And I know that she’s starting to go through the motions of realizing that life will go on…whether she's ready for it or not.
I’m just glad that I can be there, cry with her, and say, “I know. I know.”
Showing posts with label distraction young widow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distraction young widow. Show all posts
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Retail Therapy: How Widows Will Pull Us Out of the Recession
Let’s face it. We start spending the moment our loved ones take their last breath. Wait a minute…we really start spending way before that. Most of us are the reason why our own personal physicians drive such nice cars.
But if you think about it…our contribution to the healthcare industry is just the beginning.
Once everything is done, we have the funeral to deal with. I’ve been to small funerals and elaborate ones, but, even on the small side, we usually spend at least a couple thousand dollars. You’ve got a casket or a seriously overpriced urn. You’ve got flowers with ribbons that looked great in the catalog, but you think look a little cheap once they’re sitting next to that shiny new casket. You’ve got all that food you had catered by Chick fil A. I’m telling you…this really adds up.
You’re welcome, Funeral Business.
Now, I realize that this isn’t fun spending, but for some of us, it sends us into a credit testing tailspin of epic proportions. Because once the dust settles on that whole memorial business, most of us are left wondering, “What the heck do we do now?”
That’s when the bright lights and self-opening doors of Target start looking like the safe haven we can’t get enough of.
It starts small doesn’t it? You pop in there thinking, “You know…I think I’ll just pick up some new linens and give my bed a little lift” or “I’m having so much company lately, I really need to get more towels.”
Then next thing you know, your new towels don’t match the paint color in the spare room. And we all know that that just will not do.
Enter Home Depot.
Now, once that spare room gets a little pick-me-up we start wondering why we would spend that much money on a room just for our guests, when we really need a place to call our own. I know some of you out there wouldn’t dream of changing your bedroom and want it exactly the way you had it when your spouse was with you. However, others would rather make a space that is entirely different so that they are not reminded of the intimate moments they shared in that room with a love that they’ve lost.
That’s when those T.V. ads for Furniture Row begin to look reeeallly inviting.
I don’t know about you, but once I got that new bedroom all spruced up and organized, it really bothered me that I didn’t have the right clothes to go with my new room. I mean…if my room got a little face lift, surely I deserved one, right? It started small…I just began looking for the perfect red purse. Then I realized that the coat I was wearing did nothing for my new purse. Eventually I just moved from the outside…in.
And it ballooned into my own personal parking spot at TJ Maxx.
Eating out because we don’t have the attention span to cook. Extra daycare because we don’t have the attention span to parent. Gym memberships because we don’t have the attention span to do anything else other than walk on a machine that takes us absolutely nowhere.
Think of it, people. Without us, the entire economy would just collapse. Hallmark would lose at least a fourth of their business. Florists would never make it. Airlines would feel the pinch because we wouldn’t be trying to escape from wherever it is we are.
And wineries…where would they be?
We know why we do it. It’s instant gratification. Knowing that we’ve found just the right thing makes us feel better for a minute. And in the grieving game, if you can feel better for a minute, you’re doing pretty good.
It’s busy work. It keeps us from thinking about what’s really bothering us. Concentrating on not falling off the escalator at Foley’s gives us an escape for just a moment and we’re not thinking about the world falling down around us.
It’s empowering. It makes us feel in control of something…even for just a second. And when you’re living with how out of control life can be, you’ll take what you can get.
I’m not saying this is healthy. I’m not saying you should run out and blow your entire savings just so you can feel better for a minute. I’m saying forgive yourself a little. And be aware of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. I know that always makes me think a little before I hand over that piece of plastic.
I mean, right now, I’m feeling a little small and powerless. And there’s one thing I keep thinking over and over.
I’d feel a lot better if I just found the right car to go with that purse.
© Catherine Tidd 2010
But if you think about it…our contribution to the healthcare industry is just the beginning.
Once everything is done, we have the funeral to deal with. I’ve been to small funerals and elaborate ones, but, even on the small side, we usually spend at least a couple thousand dollars. You’ve got a casket or a seriously overpriced urn. You’ve got flowers with ribbons that looked great in the catalog, but you think look a little cheap once they’re sitting next to that shiny new casket. You’ve got all that food you had catered by Chick fil A. I’m telling you…this really adds up.
You’re welcome, Funeral Business.
Now, I realize that this isn’t fun spending, but for some of us, it sends us into a credit testing tailspin of epic proportions. Because once the dust settles on that whole memorial business, most of us are left wondering, “What the heck do we do now?”
That’s when the bright lights and self-opening doors of Target start looking like the safe haven we can’t get enough of.
It starts small doesn’t it? You pop in there thinking, “You know…I think I’ll just pick up some new linens and give my bed a little lift” or “I’m having so much company lately, I really need to get more towels.”
Then next thing you know, your new towels don’t match the paint color in the spare room. And we all know that that just will not do.
Enter Home Depot.
Now, once that spare room gets a little pick-me-up we start wondering why we would spend that much money on a room just for our guests, when we really need a place to call our own. I know some of you out there wouldn’t dream of changing your bedroom and want it exactly the way you had it when your spouse was with you. However, others would rather make a space that is entirely different so that they are not reminded of the intimate moments they shared in that room with a love that they’ve lost.
That’s when those T.V. ads for Furniture Row begin to look reeeallly inviting.
I don’t know about you, but once I got that new bedroom all spruced up and organized, it really bothered me that I didn’t have the right clothes to go with my new room. I mean…if my room got a little face lift, surely I deserved one, right? It started small…I just began looking for the perfect red purse. Then I realized that the coat I was wearing did nothing for my new purse. Eventually I just moved from the outside…in.
And it ballooned into my own personal parking spot at TJ Maxx.
Eating out because we don’t have the attention span to cook. Extra daycare because we don’t have the attention span to parent. Gym memberships because we don’t have the attention span to do anything else other than walk on a machine that takes us absolutely nowhere.
Think of it, people. Without us, the entire economy would just collapse. Hallmark would lose at least a fourth of their business. Florists would never make it. Airlines would feel the pinch because we wouldn’t be trying to escape from wherever it is we are.
And wineries…where would they be?
We know why we do it. It’s instant gratification. Knowing that we’ve found just the right thing makes us feel better for a minute. And in the grieving game, if you can feel better for a minute, you’re doing pretty good.
It’s busy work. It keeps us from thinking about what’s really bothering us. Concentrating on not falling off the escalator at Foley’s gives us an escape for just a moment and we’re not thinking about the world falling down around us.
It’s empowering. It makes us feel in control of something…even for just a second. And when you’re living with how out of control life can be, you’ll take what you can get.
I’m not saying this is healthy. I’m not saying you should run out and blow your entire savings just so you can feel better for a minute. I’m saying forgive yourself a little. And be aware of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. I know that always makes me think a little before I hand over that piece of plastic.
I mean, right now, I’m feeling a little small and powerless. And there’s one thing I keep thinking over and over.
I’d feel a lot better if I just found the right car to go with that purse.
© Catherine Tidd 2010
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