So, I’ve started working on this project that is kind of big in scope and will be amazing for all of us in the widow community. As with most of my ideas, I had a huge light-bulb moment while driving in my car a little while back. So huge, I was very glad that I was driving my mini-van and not a more low-profile vehicle. Otherwise I think it would have just blown the roof off.
I have my full heart into this project and I cannot WAIT until it’s far enough along to tell you what’s going on. You can ask my entire family…I’m TERRIBILE at keeping secrets, so keeping this from you is just about killing me. I’ve come to consider you all some of my closest friends, even though if you walked up to me at Starbucks, I probably wouldn’t know who you are.
Is that weird?
Anyway, something you should know about me is that I’m not a risk taker. Living on the edge was something I left up to my husband. I’m frugal, I do things by the book, and, to be honest, I have a huge fear of failing. Of course, I’ve had dreams and ambitions before but I never seemed to quite have the self-confidence to pull them off.
Which is what makes me taking on this project that much more amazing.
Throughout the planning process, I haven’t had a doubt in my mind that what I’m doing is what I’m meant to be doing. That everything in my life (including the death of my husband) has gotten me to this point. I feel like my life has been circling around this idea for years and now it’s finally going to land.
And then I started to notice myself changing into someone that I didn’t quite recognize.
This woman is fearless. There isn’t a doubt in her mind that she’s going to succeed. This woman is positive that what she’s doing is getting ready to help a lot of people. If she came with thinner thighs and had money for a boob tuck, I would say she’s damn near perfect.
Now, as we all know, change doesn’t happen overnight. I didn’t just wake up one morning, transformed into Wonder Widow. The reason I know that is because this morning, the old me started to creep back into the picture.
And I was scared.
What if I’m wrong? What if this doesn’t work? What if…? What if…? What if…?
In the midst of my worrying, Wonder Widow suddenly snapped her fingers and told me to get a hold of myself. She said to me (and I quote), “Life is short. What better thing to invest in than yourself? You know you’re right and the only way to make this happen is to never doubt yourself. This is what you were meant to do. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t have gotten this far. Now, put your head down, get to work, and get ‘er done.”
She stopped short before she told me, “And doggone it…people like you.”
I’ve had fleeting moments of self-confidence before. But the difference this time is that I’ve decided to grab it with both hands and hang on for (hopefully) the ride of my life. I’m trying to make a conscious decision to ignore the meeker me and embrace that woman who has no doubt that she can make things happen. I’ve daydreamed about that woman before, but for the first time, I feel like I’m meeting her personally and shaking her hand.
I’ve grown up with an amazing support system. No one has ever said, “You can’t do that.” But I think I’ve been waiting all my life for some overnight transformation into the woman I have always wanted to be. I didn’t realize that the process is more gradual and that I’d have to pay attention. I didn’t know that I would have to be more proactive and make my life into what I’d always dreamed of. I didn’t know that the person I had to be able to trust and never doubt…was myself. That I could hear from everyone in my life that anything was possible, but until I truly believed it, nothing would ever happen.
And what’s the point of being here if nothing ever happens?
I guess my point is…listen to your inner Wonder Widow. Grab that feeling of confidence and don’t let go. I have a feeling you’ll be in for the ride of your life.
And I can’t wait to see where you land.
© Catherine Tidd 2010