Thursday, September 2, 2010

Feels Like Home To Me

We all go through different stages in our lives. And all of those stages affect us differently. And how we deal with those stages shape the people we become.

For some reason tonight, I started thinking about when my husband and I were first married. I’ve already told you all that I got married at the ripe, old age of 20. What you don’t know is that I got married 3 weeks after I turned 20 because I refused to get married as a teenager.

Well. You know. The younger you are, the more 3 weeks makes a difference.


So, at the beginning of my marriage…we had no money. Like…I-felt-guilty-about-buying-a-pair-of-socks-no-money. My husband had a good, steady job, but I was still in college. So my contribution was minimal.

Okay. Fine. So my contribution came when he could claim me as a dependent on his taxes.


You should also know that at the beginning of my marriage…I followed my husband 1500 miles away from my home to that steady job.  Away from everyone I knew and everything that was familiar. From mountains to beach. From heavy sweatshirts to bikini wear (and even at that age I didn’t have the abs for it). From sweaty Birkenstocks at the grocery store, to shirtless/shoeless men with ferrets in the meat department.


Knowing that I was completely out of my element, my husband did his very best to make me feel at home. Now, I realize that for most men, feeling at home involves a good bean-bag chair and a six pack of Miller High Life. But my husband went above and beyond the manly/husbandly call of duty.

(Especially for an Engineer.)

He bought me a piano.

I’ve played the piano since I was five. I’ve sung since I can remember. I even went so far as to get a music scholarship to college (which I promptly dumped because…frankly…it was just too damn hard). Music was my stress reliever. My outlet. My way to get back at the world in an out-of-tune way when it just pissed me off.

When I married my husband, I realized that I would be giving up my childhood piano and I had no idea when we would ever be able to afford to actually buy one ourselves. And that was okay. I loved him and I just couldn’t wait to be with him. So giving up something that was so much a part of me and replacing it with something that I couldn’t wait to be with every waking minute...seemed like a pretty fair trade.

But one day…at an estate sale…my husband saw a piano for $200. And he looked at me and said, “Let’s get that.”

Knowing that we really didn’t have $200 to spend on it, I said, “Why? It’s not necessary.”

And he replied, “Because you need it. And I want you to feel like you’re home.”

Okay. I know all you girls are feeling all “melty.” But I really hesitated. Ummmm…water bill…piano? Car payment…piano?

Busch Lite money…piano?

I looked at him (in my divine 20-year-old wisdom) and said, “I don’t care what I have. I don’t care where we are. You’re home. And I can take you with me wherever I go.”

I didn’t realize until later, how that moment, that realization, would affect me.

At 20, I possessed the na├»ve belief that nothing bad would ever happen. That he would always be with me. That even if we ended up in a cardboard box…we’d still be home.

At that age, I never thought I would be without him. I didn’t know that I could afford to have my kids involved in the activities they wanted to be in. That we could eat out some times and not have to worry. That I could have the material things that I needed.

But that without him...I'd still feel homeless.

I had a big family day today. I had a lot of personal tears because a huge fraction of my family was gone. No one else knew. No one else saw.

But every once in awhile…I would have a feeling. I would smile into thin air. I would laugh when nothing was funny. I would be inspired by a blank wall.

And there was something in me that knew. I could take him with me.

I was home.


  1. This is beautifully expressed. My husband was also my home, and I used to tell him "my home is wherever you are." We've never met, but I am constantly struck by the shared emotions and experiences in this journey. I look forward to reading more from you.

  2. Your beautiful writing makes me feel warm all over. What a gift you are to other widows and to the rest of the world ♥

  3. Wow. Thank you both. Everyone I've "met" through this online community has certainly been a gift to me.

  4. So beautifully stated-Thank you for sharing. I have used that cardboard box statement as well and your homeless reference hits straight to my core as a young widow.

  5. That's beautiful and so true it made me cry (in a good way) x

  6. Thank you for your beautiful writing.

    I am 20 years old right now, and what you wrote described me exactly. We were engaged since April, and due to a few things, I had not shared with many our engagement. To me though, there was no need to. We had all the time in the world. I was already fully committed to him. I had felt so strongly that all I need was him and I was so happy. He passed away 3 weeks ago.

    I haven't quite reached the ending yet, the belief that I can bring him with me. It's so painful right now.

    *huggles* Thank you so much for your writing. So many of your posts resonated with me, and I know I will be rereading these for a very long time.