i'm DONE

I think I’m in a writing rut and that I’m starting to sound like more of an after-school special and less like a blog.  And it’s pissing me off.

I’m kinda done with it.  I’m ready to just let ‘er fly.

So for all of you who are wondering if, with any little comment, I’m talking about you...if I’m still talking to you...there’s a good chance you’re safe.

I’ve struggled for so long with how I write.  Mainly because most of the great writers I know (or have read) will say, “Write as if no one will read it.”

Well.  Bully for you.  But what happens when they do?

And most of the writers who said that are dead anyway.  Fat lotta good that does me.

When I normally write, I write, edit, and re-edit...in all the time that 3 kids, a job, and random crap will allow.  Which, frankly, if I really examined it...that’s a helluva lot of wasted time on a blog about my life that should just write itself.

I think and re-think.  I plan ahead and look back at the same time.  I spell check while I’m putting in a load of underwear.

And now I understand.  The underwear has to be done.  The spell check doesn’t.

I’m doing the best I can to live in the present.  And many times, while I’ve been writing this blog...I’ve been living in the past.  But I’m tired.  I’m tired of feeling wrong about something that happened 10 years ago and that, quite frankly...probably no one else thinks about but me.  I’m tired of looking so far into the future to try and teach myself something that my experience doesn’t match yet.  And I’m freaking tired of trying to parlay the express line at Wal-Mart into a life lesson that, if I were wiser, I would have understood 5 years ago.

Can you see how mixed up my brain is?

Today was my first day.  My first day of living in the present.  It’s a huge conscious decision (every time I think about it).  Instead of worrying when the kids would do their homework...I just made dinner and listened to them laugh over a game.  Instead of wondering what my finances would look like in 6 months, I enjoyed cooking.  Instead of worrying how I came across during some conversation that the other person probably hasn’t thought about in 3 years...I’m letting it go.

Today is when it starts.  Less over thinking.  More living in the now.  If I feel like shit...then I’m going to feel like shit.  If the sun is shining...I’m going to enjoy the light.

And...heaven help you all...I’m going to write the same way.



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© Catherine Tidd 2011