Had a Good Day...Wish You Were Here

One of the hardest things to get used to as a widow is how good days come with mixed emotions.  I’m having one of those moments.

Today was good, which really surprised me.  I was up most of the night with a sick little girl (who is still feeling pretty puny today) so I expected to be exhausted and get nothing done.

As we all know...sick kid + single parent = tired parent.

In spite of my exhaustion, I was able to get a few things done on www.theWiddahood.com and since writing code and working on “the back end” have never been my strengths...anything I can get accomplished is...well...an accomplishment.

My afternoon was pretty normal...running around, picking everyone up, and getting them where they needed to go.  I had a parent/teacher conference this afternoon for my son, which I wasn’t worried about because he always seems to do pretty well.  But for some reason, I always forget how emotionally draining those conferences are...especially when they have to do with my son.

He’s like his dad in so many ways...just super, super smart (and I can promise you that he did not get that from me).  I was mid-way through listening to the teacher tell me that he is in not one, but two accelerated math groups and that he is already halfway into the next grade level in reading and writing when it hit me.

I have no one to tell.

I mean, I have people I can tell.  My parents will be excited.  I have friends who will say, “That’s great!”  But that person who is the other half of my son isn’t here.  So that great news...came with a little hurt.

I hate it when that happens.

I heard from a newspaper today that wants to do a story on theWiddahood.com, thanks to a friend of mine who put in a good word for me.  And by the time I had gotten home from the parent/teacher conference...I had heard from another newspaper, not only interested in doing a story on the website, but also praising my writing.

Believe me...no one could possibly be more shocked about that than I am. 

I was so excited I could barely contain myself.  It was like getting an A in a class you thought you’d be lucky to get a C in.  And then I sat down in front of my computer with a thud and realized, once again...there’s nobody to tell.

I hate to say that the good things in life are tainted by one bad thing that happened...but it’s true.  I long for the days when I experienced “great”...without experiencing “loss.”  My disappointment in being forced to internalize good news is lessoning...but I doubt that it will ever go away.  Because even as a kid...I couldn’t wait to share everything that was going on my life.  And now I have no one to burst through the door and tell.

So I’m going to look on the positive side.  I can always tell you.



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© Catherine Tidd 2011