Widowhood: The Ultimate Workout

So the other night I was watching “The Proposal” (because you know I tend to get all of my blog inspiration either from chick flicks or “The View”) and I observed Sandra Bullock as she realized that everything she had ever wanted was in this little Alaskan town.  Nice family...good lookin’ guy...the freedom to chant “Balls” at the top of her lungs in the woods....

Then she took off running.

Now, this is just a small part of the movie, but her character did lose her parents and felt all alone in the world.  And then suddenly she was welcomed into a ready-made, good family.

And it scared the shit out of her.

I know I do it.  As soon as something good starts happening, my first instinct is to run away from it.  I really don’t believe that my subconscious thinks that I don’t deserve something good in my life.  Or maybe it does.  My subconscious and I haven’t been speaking since it made me have that dream last week that my husband was alive, but cheating on me.  So I’ll have to ask it when we’re on better terms.

I sometimes wonder if, in my case, when something good comes along, I run as fast as I can because it may mean that I have to invest myself again.  And if it’s really good...what happens if I lose it?

When it comes to good things in general, discovering something new and good opens up a TON of mixed emotions.  I’m grateful for the experience or the new relationship.  And then I realize that if I hadn’t lost him, I wouldn’t be having the experience.  I wonder if the experience is worth the pain of losing it.  Do you see where I’m going with this?

That tends to put a damper on whatever it is that I have going on.

In a previous blog, I wrote about how no one can push people away like a widow can.  In that case, I was talking about dating.  In my experience, as soon as I would meet a nice guy, my first instinct was to push, test, and ultimately drive them away.  Because even though a nice guy was exactly what I was looking for, once I found one...it scared the ba-jeezus out of me.

So, never one to be comfortable with conflict, I would suddenly turn into a complete psycho so that they would break up with me first.  That way I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy and I could pin the whole failed relationship on them.

Pretty brilliant, eh?  (I know many women are sitting there nodding their heads, totally getting this post.  And the men are shaking their heads and thinking, “I knew you people were nuts!”)

I think the pushing and the running are all tied up with each other.  We push and we run from all of that good stuff, afraid to let it really sink in and mean something to us.  Because as soon as that happens...there is a chance it could get taken away.

I find this widow trait mildly annoying.  Weren’t we supposed to come out of this thing with a better appreciation for life, knowing that we should hold on to happiness if it should come our way again?  Aren’t we supposed to be the people who run around spewing platitudes about how life is short and you should take advantage of every moment?

How did the whole darn thing get so twisted around?  And how can I make it stop?

At least I have one question answer.  If I’m pushing and running at the same time, no wonder I’m so damn tired all the time.



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© Catherine Tidd 2011