Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's December. Now All of the Decorations That Have Been Up Since June Finally Make Sense

Well, here we are.  December is here.  Some of us are looking forward to the holidays.  Some of us would rather fast forward through the holidays.  And some of us are still hungover from Thanksgiving.

I am a bizarre mixture of all three.

I know I’m not the only one who has noticed that it seems like the Christmas season starts earlier each year.  One day I was taking down my flags from the 4th of July and the next (and I mean literally the next…as in July 5th)…Hobby Lobby had their Christmas ornaments out and blinking Christmas trees on display that seemed to mock me as I walked in to buy pinwheels for my summer potted plants.

I know that all of these stores think that they are doing us all a huge favor by inducing holiday madness 6 months early.  But in truth, I think they’re diluting the whole thing.  My kids don’t get excited for Christmas when they’re running around in shorts and flip-flops.   And so by the time the holiday season actually rolls around, they’re kind of like, “Oh, great.  Another Santa.  Been there, done that.”

Nordstrom gained a life-long customer in me when they posted a sign this fall, explaining their holiday decorating policies:

Even though they can be a little pricey, it’s worth it to me to pay $20 for a pair of socks, just so I don’t have to walk through tinsel in June to get to them.

I actually had a neighbor put up and turn on their Christmas lights at the beginning of October.  The first night it happened, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.

“Well, I guess it makes sense to put them up now before it really starts snowing.  They probably just have them on to test them out.”


I forgot to warn my mother about it before she came over to my house one evening and since she suffers from Post Traumatic Holiday Disorder, I really should have been more conscientious.

“Catherine,” she said, trying to catch her breath.  “Someone has their Christmas lights on!  What day is it?  Did I lose holiday time again???  Did I black out???”

I, for one, do not turn on my Christmas lights until the first of December.  Last night, I was outside freezing my Christmas giblets off trying to get them up when I realized that half of them didn’t work (of course).  So I got into my Christmas sleigh (also known as my Honda Odyssey) and ran to Target for some plain, white non-blinking Christmas lights.

No luck.

They had racing lights.  They had icicle lights.  They had racing icicle lights.  Colored icicles, LEDs, pearl lights, and lights in the shape of a fishing net.  Twinkle lights, timed lights, and lights that will actually get up out of your bushes and do the cha-cha. 

But not one set of plain, white lights.

I’ve now realized that I’m completely antiquated when it comes to Christmas decorations.  My kids have complained that I’m too boring, refusing to buy the lights that race and make my house look like a giant helicopter pad.  I have never bought anything that blows up, projects, or plays “Jingle Bells” when you walk past it.

What really made me realize that I’m out-of-touch, Christmasly, is when I saw this lovely decoration at (where else?)  Wal-mart the other day and wondered about the demographic out there who buys it:

‘Cause nothing says “Merry Christmas” like Santa taking a holiday s*%t.

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