Sunday, November 29, 2015

Losing It: A Widowed Mom's Thanksgiving Weekend

I lost it this weekend.

Big time.

You know the story:  Kid wants to go out for the night and needs a ride.  Mom says she's too tired because she's been running said kid all over the place the entire weekend.  Said kid starts to pout.  Mom starts crying and screaming, "I don't know if you realize this, but I'm doing this by myself" as she slams out of the room.

Okay.  Maybe you didn't know that story.  But you do now.

Ugh.  I wasn't pretty.  And it's not a new scene.  However, it happens a lot more in my head than it does in real life.

It's not my kid's fault.  Any of my kids.  And most parents - widowed or not - totally get this.  I'm tired.  I don't want to shuttle your ass anywhere else.  I already bought you new boots today.  Isn't that enough??

Kids are kids and we were all like that at one point in our lives.  Yes, they're selfish and it's our job to teach them to think of others so they'll grow up to be caring human beings someday. 

But maybe not by throwing a temper tantrum (me, not her) and slamming out of the room.

My argument was valid, though.  And let's face it - our family situation can be shitty sometimes.  But what usually  happens is that I acknowledge how hard it must be for the kids to not have a dad. 

Very rarely do they acknowledge how hard it must be for me to not have a partner in all of this.

Again, not their job.  I get it.  But as my daughter was begging me to basically spend two hours just driving her to the party and back last night, I couldn't help but bring up something I had been thinking about the entire weekend.

"You know, I'm the only one of your friends' parents who does everything.  If they're single, they're divorced which means they're driving their kids around every other weekend.  I am doing it all on my own, all of the time.  It's no one's fault - it is how it is.  But sometimes I just wish you'd remember that and cut me a little slack."

Of course, this wasn't said as calmly as I just typed it.  But my point was made by the fact that I hadn't even showered (at 4 PM), I had just spent the afternoon before getting her to lunch and the movies with her friends, and hosting several other kids the night before (for my other kids) at an epic sleepover that involved sleeping bags sliding down stairs and other Motrin-inducing moments.

I was done.

I know this wasn't my kids' fault.  I like for them to have fun.  What I miss - truly, truly from the bottom of my core - is someone in my life who will either say to the kids, "You know what?  You can stay home tonight.  Let's let Mom rest" or "Don't worry, honey.  I'll take care of it."

Is that too much to ask????

Don't answer that.

15 comments:

  1. totally understand..... it is hard to raise teens on your own. today, after doubling all weekend, I had to drive my daughter back to college, and I was kind of grumpy..... not her fault, but if her dad was around, I wouldn't have two jobs and he would have driven... hugs to you.

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  2. My husband used to do the laundry. I hate doing the laundry. Now, every time I have to do the laundry, I cry...because it pushes me over grief's edge.

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  3. The answer is a resounding NO! It's not too much to ask. We just don't have that in our lives right now. Somehow we need to try and create "down time" for ourselves. Get the breaks we need. And I need to follow my own advice. :-) Hang in there!!!

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  4. I get it. I lost it last year when I drove one of my daughter's friends home and saw three cars in the driveway and knew that both her parents (divorced but live in the same house) and older sister were all home and could drive but just didn't want to. Thinking of you...

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  5. Not too much to ask. AT ALL. I remind my kids often how I'm doing it all alone. They need to be reminded. We do so much and get the unending attitude in return. I cried for two hours straight the other day and it made my son very uncomfortable. But I told him it was essential to my well-being that I let it out. I'm human. I'm trying to be real with my kids. I don't have it all together all the time and it's OK. Sometimes I'm crazy mom. Sometimes I'm super mom. Sometimes I cry because being a widow is damn hard. I totally get it. Thank you for sharing :)

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  6. Not too much to ask. AT ALL. I remind my kids often how I'm doing it all alone. They need to be reminded. We do so much and get the unending attitude in return. I cried for two hours straight the other day and it made my son very uncomfortable. But I told him it was essential to my well-being that I let it out. I'm human. I'm trying to be real with my kids. I don't have it all together all the time and it's OK. Sometimes I'm crazy mom. Sometimes I'm super mom. Sometimes I cry because being a widow is damn hard. I totally get it. Thank you for sharing :)

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  7. And holidays amplify everything! I just moved his tools from one storage to another....still crying.....

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  8. I get it. I hate to push for them to grow up, but I am counting down the months(6) until my youngest gets her license. I feel like all I do is run her around. And I would hate for her to miss out because she is missing a parent, but boy is it a burden on me! So yes, it sucks that we have to do it alone!

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  9. I totally agree and have endured 8+ years of going it alone. However I still work at reminding myself to be thankful for the few years I have left with my youngest (15) as I learned through his two older brothers just how too quickly the time passes. They were off to college and then on with their own lives. With yet another awkward holiday under my belt (due to continued change in family dynamics) I realize things will never even come close to what we all once had and but it is the Grace of God who has provided strength and many caring and helpful friends and family who continue to walk the path with our family. I learned in the early years of my husband's battle with ALS/Lou Gerhig's disease to accept offers of help & not be too proud to ask for help. That was a hard one for me, but I was reminded by a church member that in allowing and/or asking for help, my family and I were not the only ones being blessed but those who helped us were also experiencing blessings.

    Ironically, I read this and responded as I sat in my car waiting on my son & 3 of his soccer buddies (thought I only had 2 extras) only to have my son ask if we could bring his 3rd friend home.

    After dropping said friend off and finally heading home for the night to cook dinner for the 3 remaining guys...my son says, "Mom, will you take us to the Mall?" And so it goes...
    Count it all joy my friends and praise Him in the storm. Our wonderful God will see each of us through our darkest and loneliest times!

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  10. Well said. I wish I had your skills of expression.
    I've been a widower for 4 years and still have those moments.
    Work tends to fill the emptiness but when I get home and my daughter is somewhere else the silence is just awful. Nothing to do but paint a smile back on my face and hope no one notices how truly terrible I feel.

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    Replies
    1. Totally get it. Kudos to you for all that you do for your kids. They will appreciate it someday. I am sure they are very proud of you. Widowed for over a year now, I still get frustrated when things don't work and wish my engineer husband was here to fix everything as he always did.

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  12. I REALLY hate when people leave horrible phishing -type comments. HELLO?! Those of us reading are not divorced; our spouse's are DEAD. There is no reunion in store. Ugh. Know I shouldn't even respond but can't help myself.

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  13. I can totally relate. I lost my husband last year at 37. We have a 16,8,and 6 year old and everyday I'm reminded of what my husband did for us around the house. He was my best friend, my rock, my love, and I will struggle every day and it's okay. I've realized that if we need to cry...cry! If we need to scream...scream! As a matter of fact I lost it the other day and said just because your dads not here doesn't mean you can treat me this way!! It wasn't fair to them...they are just kids however it is okay to let out your feelings so they know that you too miss their father and struggle just as much with the fact that he's gone. God bless you all who are going through this.

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