I am now on my second attempt to write a blog about in-laws. The truth is, once I started writing the first one and I got to about the 576th page, I realized that this may take several volumes. So be advised…I’m just chipping off a little piece of the iceberg. Right now, I’m tensing just about every bone in my body as I attempt to slide down this slippery slope of a relationship. I hope you appreciate it. I know I’ll be feeling it tomorrow.
I have found that there’s usually no middle ground with in-laws. Most people, when you ask them about their relationship with their in-laws after the death of their spouse, don’t say, “Well, they’re fine. I enjoy them when I see them, but if they don’t come by I’m okay with that too.”
That would be Choice A. And the two of you out there who have it…well…you’ve struck gold.
Then there’s choice B: They might be genuinely loving and helpful. And suffocate you a little on the side.
Choice C: You’ve filed a restraining order.
And then there’s the rarely chosen D: The ones who have great parents AND great in-laws with whom you genuinely enjoy spending time with. Together. At the same time. Those of you who have that have either really paid your dues at some point or were saints in your former lives. I have no idea what the hell happened in my previous life, but my in-law karma is not the best.
Anyway.
I’ve got a theory. You know I always do. As uneducated and misguided as it may be.
I think that most of the time, when the in-laws fall on the more likeable side, it’s because you may have had a little bit of a rocky relationship with your own parents. And that’s okay. I’m not judging. Shoot. The fact that my parents will even throw me a bone, much less go to dinner with me…well…that speaks volumes.
For them.
No…I’m not kidding. I was not always as put together as you think of me today. At one point in my life, I would really speak my own mind. I would say what I thought before the thought had even fully formed. And then I would watch my parents’ faces as they looked like they were getting blind-sided by a semi in slow motion.
Thank God I stopped doing that last week.
I wouldn’t trade the relationship I have with my parents for anything. Heck…they’re great. Beyond great. I’m thinking about erecting statues in my front yard of my entire immediate family. God knows they’ve earned it for putting up with me during the last few years.
I’m just waiting on HOA approval.
But if there are deals to be made…could I exchange about 5% of my good relationship with my parents for a 5% increase in my relationship with my in-laws? Tell you what…I’ll give you one extra disagreement with my mom about my wardrobe if you give me a couple of birthday cards for my kids from my in-laws. Deal?
Wait…who in the hell am I talking to? Ah yes. Reality. And Reality hasn’t listened to me in a few years, so I guess I better just save it.
So here we are. We promised “til death do us part.” And, if I remember correctly, there was no fine print. There was nothing that said:
Unless the first party should pass on waaaaaay earlier than the second party (that’d be you) anticipated, therefore entitling the second party to a lifetime of servitude and polite smiles while the third party (that’d be the in-laws) shall run over the second party with an emotional steamroller, thereby ensuring the second party at least 30 extra years in therapy.
The truth is that even in good times, the in-law relationship is a little complicated. Those men out there who are reading this…I’m sorry…you can usually complain all you want about your mothers-in-law. But try navigating a relationship with a woman whose baby you stole and had the nerve to marry. It’s not pretty. For most of us women…our parents were just happy to get us off their hands. I mean, my dad told me that he would give me $50 cash and a ladder if I promised to elope and spare him the cost of a big wedding.
I was about 12 at the time.
So we’re all already up to our ears in in-law quicksand and then our spouses get sick or die suddenly. And if that doesn’t complicate an already complicated relationship, I don’t know what does. If you were able to get through the illness without incident, I applaud you. If you managed to get out of the hospital on speaking terms, you should get a medal. And if you happened to get your spouse to his/her final resting place and still have any sort of contact with your in-laws, then I’m going to add you to those statues I’m putting up in my front yard.
Unless you’re one of those people who fell under choice D. You guys have had it too good already.
© Catherine Tidd 2010
Showing posts with label in-laws. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in-laws. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Understanding the Widow Mind. Yeah. Even We Don't Get It.
I posted this question on the Widow Chick Facebook page and after I did, it got me to thinking. I love it when I do that to myself!
The question was, “Do you ever run into times when it seems like other WIDOWS don’t understand you?” And after I thought about for awhile, I realized yes. Yes I have. Actually a lot.
I think a lot of times we assume, since we have all had this experience, that anyone who has shared it automatically knows what we have been through. But when you really think about it…that’s pretty unrealistic. Even though we have all experienced loss, there is no way we have all gone through it the same way. It would be like assuming that even though you have a license, you automatically know how to parallel park my semi.
I remember attending my first young widows support group a few months after my husband died and getting a glimpse as to how we all go through this differently. I will admit, since the loss was pretty fresh at the time, I was kind of surprised that I wasn’t able to walk into this group and that everyone there would completely understand how I felt.
It’s kind of like, the bones are there, but when you really dig deep, you start to see where the similarities end.
An obvious difference I think we have is when it comes to dating and the right time to date. One of the first people I met in that group had lost her husband years earlier and hadn’t even considered dating. Another went on a date a few months after her spouse died. You could just see the wordless exchange between those two people. One thinking, “You’re going to date? Is he even cold yet?” And the other one thinking, “You haven’t gotten any in five years??”
Then there’s the financial differences. When one person has been fiscally devastated by this loss and the other finds herself in the awkward position of being set up for life. The one who’s a little better off can’t quite understand why the other one can’t take a weekend at a hotel to get her head together and the one who sweats every time she looks at her bank balance can’t understand why the other one’s toes look so great all of the time.
And…ah yes. The biggie. The whopper.
The ones who have kids and the ones who don’t.
I don’t think anything divides a widow group more than kids. Actually…that’s probably true of most social situations. Because those of us who have kids, can’t help but link everything back to them. We really shouldn’t be blamed for it. I mean, they’re our joys, our whole world, and the reason we’ll end up in assisted living before the people who don’t have kids. But I often put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn’t have children. We have to be an annoying bunch.
Sooner or later the crowd at Happy Hour gets divided down the bar. With those of us sweating out how we are going to get through this experience without raising potential pyro-klepto-maniacs and those who are either disappointed that they weren’t able to have kids before their spouse died or happily decided that that option just wasn’t for them.
Either way…it’s a big difference.
I think what we all share is a general understanding. But to tap into a widow who completely understands everything you’ve done based on your own timeline and thinks, “Wow! I’ve done the exact same thing” …that’s a pretty rare find.
What it should do, after awhile and a little distance from our own loss, is give us an extra dose of compassion. We may not understand why she’s allowing her mother-in-law to live with her, years after her spouse died, but that’s based on our own relationship with our mother-in-law. We may not get why someone decided to bury ashes right away when we can’t imagine taking them off the mantel, but that’s a very personal decision. We can’t figure out why someone wouldn’t move from a house that is so completely wrong for them and this new life that’s been handed to them, but we may not have all the facts as to why they’ve decided to do that.
Losing a spouse, or just loss in general, is personal and charged with emotions and strong feelings. Most of us spend entire days just pent up with the tornado of feelings we have inside of us. It would be wrong if those emotions turned into intolerance just because we don’t 100% get why other widows are making the decisions they are. And just remember…if you completely lose it on another widow…well…you can’t pull the widow card on another widow. So you better watch it if you want to get invited back to Happy Hour.
Personally, I would direct them at my mother-in-law if she lived with me. But…again…that’s my decision.
© Catherine Tidd 2010
The question was, “Do you ever run into times when it seems like other WIDOWS don’t understand you?” And after I thought about for awhile, I realized yes. Yes I have. Actually a lot.
I think a lot of times we assume, since we have all had this experience, that anyone who has shared it automatically knows what we have been through. But when you really think about it…that’s pretty unrealistic. Even though we have all experienced loss, there is no way we have all gone through it the same way. It would be like assuming that even though you have a license, you automatically know how to parallel park my semi.
I remember attending my first young widows support group a few months after my husband died and getting a glimpse as to how we all go through this differently. I will admit, since the loss was pretty fresh at the time, I was kind of surprised that I wasn’t able to walk into this group and that everyone there would completely understand how I felt.
It’s kind of like, the bones are there, but when you really dig deep, you start to see where the similarities end.
An obvious difference I think we have is when it comes to dating and the right time to date. One of the first people I met in that group had lost her husband years earlier and hadn’t even considered dating. Another went on a date a few months after her spouse died. You could just see the wordless exchange between those two people. One thinking, “You’re going to date? Is he even cold yet?” And the other one thinking, “You haven’t gotten any in five years??”
Then there’s the financial differences. When one person has been fiscally devastated by this loss and the other finds herself in the awkward position of being set up for life. The one who’s a little better off can’t quite understand why the other one can’t take a weekend at a hotel to get her head together and the one who sweats every time she looks at her bank balance can’t understand why the other one’s toes look so great all of the time.
And…ah yes. The biggie. The whopper.
The ones who have kids and the ones who don’t.
I don’t think anything divides a widow group more than kids. Actually…that’s probably true of most social situations. Because those of us who have kids, can’t help but link everything back to them. We really shouldn’t be blamed for it. I mean, they’re our joys, our whole world, and the reason we’ll end up in assisted living before the people who don’t have kids. But I often put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn’t have children. We have to be an annoying bunch.
Sooner or later the crowd at Happy Hour gets divided down the bar. With those of us sweating out how we are going to get through this experience without raising potential pyro-klepto-maniacs and those who are either disappointed that they weren’t able to have kids before their spouse died or happily decided that that option just wasn’t for them.
Either way…it’s a big difference.
I think what we all share is a general understanding. But to tap into a widow who completely understands everything you’ve done based on your own timeline and thinks, “Wow! I’ve done the exact same thing” …that’s a pretty rare find.
What it should do, after awhile and a little distance from our own loss, is give us an extra dose of compassion. We may not understand why she’s allowing her mother-in-law to live with her, years after her spouse died, but that’s based on our own relationship with our mother-in-law. We may not get why someone decided to bury ashes right away when we can’t imagine taking them off the mantel, but that’s a very personal decision. We can’t figure out why someone wouldn’t move from a house that is so completely wrong for them and this new life that’s been handed to them, but we may not have all the facts as to why they’ve decided to do that.
Losing a spouse, or just loss in general, is personal and charged with emotions and strong feelings. Most of us spend entire days just pent up with the tornado of feelings we have inside of us. It would be wrong if those emotions turned into intolerance just because we don’t 100% get why other widows are making the decisions they are. And just remember…if you completely lose it on another widow…well…you can’t pull the widow card on another widow. So you better watch it if you want to get invited back to Happy Hour.
Personally, I would direct them at my mother-in-law if she lived with me. But…again…that’s my decision.
© Catherine Tidd 2010
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