"I Can't Feel My Life"

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to get a little Christmas shopping done and I remember leaving a store and driving down the street.  I looked around and saw the decorations in the store windows and life buzzing all around me and I felt so detached.  Like it wasn’t real or like it really had nothing to do with me.

I was going through the motions, like so many of us do, doing what needed to be done without really letting life sink in.  Or maybe I was just in a mental place that wouldn't allow it to penetrate my surface.

It’s a disconcerting feeling, walking through moments in life that should be felt but you don’t know if you’re capable of it.  Watching others laugh and laughing along with them…but not really feeling the joy in your soul.  Even living moments when you know you should be sad but some part of you can’t absorb what’s going on…and watching life’s moments pass by as if they’re part of a movie reel and not part of the life you’re living.

There is a moment during the movie Postcards from the Edge when Meryl Streep says, “I can’t feel my life.  I look around me and I know so much of it is good.”  And I would think that most people have times in their lives when they know exactly what she’s talking about.  Life gets busy or overwhelming or too serious and we’re almost forced into a role of abstract observation.

Time to evaluate and realize.

Of course, these phases of detachment are often followed by times when I feel almost too much and the ups and downs must be dealt with in a different way.  Joy is felt deeply.  Sorrow is cried about.  Life gets scary and then it’s wonderful in ways I can’t put into words.  

I was thinking about this earlier today…about which scenario is better:  is it easier to stand back from your life as an observer or feel each moment?

The only thing I came up with was that it’s an in-between place that I think we call “contentment” that is the happy medium.  Those fleeting moments we experience whether we’re on an upswing or down – the up, knowing how good life is about to be even if it’s temporary.  And the down, appreciating where we were when we were up.

Those are the moments that make life worth the ride.

A Shot of Unexpected Grief with a Hormone Chaser

I have realized in the last few months that some people out there think that I'm somewhat of an expert on grief because I wrote a book about it.  I know this because I've received quite a few emails congratulating me on having it all figured out. And while there is part of me that appreciates it, the other has been thinking all of these months, "Well, at least I know what I can write a sequel about." 

I think I'll call it Eight Years Later and I Still Don't Know What the Hell I'm Doing.

Kind of long, but you get my drift.

I actually think that the title "grief expert" is either complete bullshit or there are millions of grief experts out there.  No one can be an overall expert on an experience that is so individual and personal.  BUT everyone can be their own grief expert.

Great.  Now I sound like an infomercial.

The problem is that sometimes I start to believe my own PR...and that's never a good thing.  Because I'm somewhat self-aware and have figured out how to write about it, I've had moments when I do think I have my shit together.

And then moments, like this morning, when I think I'm a complete moron for even entertaining that notion.

I couldn't sleep last night, which isn't anything new.  My mind was in overdrive and would Not.  Slow. Down.  It was like I'd had a four-pack of Red Bull with a double espresso chaser.  I can't even tell you what I was thinking about, my mind was racing so fast. And so this morning, I woke up (sort of) and felt completely disoriented.  I felt shaky and dizzy and in a complete fog and try as I might...I couldn't get myself out of it.

I dismissed it as a lot of things - I'm thinking about making some major changes in my life and while they aren't going to happen immediately, I always worry at least six months in advance.  Maybe I was just tired from the weekend.  Maybe I wasn't active enough this weekend.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

And then I started to cry.

Which made me realize what it actually was.

Wednesday is our 8th annual Daddy Day.  Otherwise known as my husband's birthday.

And then I felt like an idiot.

For crying out loud (literally)...I have written for years about how my body reacts to grief I'm not recognizing!  Shaky, dizzy, fog...it's all right there in the handbook!  I have a whole section in my book called "Milestones:  I'd rather pass a kidney stone than a milestone" and I still didn't get it right away.

My slow down and self-forgiveness kicked in a little late this year, but I've got it now.  Today is my one day off and while I had planned to go to yoga, I decided I'm just too emotional for it and chose to meditate at home instead.  In a little while, I will try to get some sunshine but no matter what happens...I will not beat myself up for the next few days.  Whatever I can do, I will do.  Whatever I can't is just going to have to wait.

And because I have a PMS kicker going on right now, I'm a little bitter about this turn in my week.  So all I have to say about this is....

Happy 42nd Birthday, Brad.  You owe me a pedicure.

The Big Picture

You'll have to forgive me with this post because it's more for me than for you.  You know how it's sometimes helpful to find a good friend and think out loud?  Well, this is my version of that.

Just be glad you're not on my speed dial.

One of the biggest running themes of widowhood is "the big picture."  We're scared of it.  No, wait.  We were scared of it before our spouses died - what happens if one of us loses a job or we can't pay a bill or our car breaks down? - but in the wake of widowhood...the big picture is nothing short of terrifying.

I've always been a big picture person because I'm a control freak and a planner.  You'd think that the death of my husband would have cured me of that (obviously not something I had on my calendar) but it hasn't.  I think it did for a short while when I went through my "I can be as self-destructive as I want to because life is short and I could go tomorrow so why not live it up" phase.  But that didn't last long and pretty soon I was back to my old ways.

I think that sometimes I get "big picture" confused with goals.  Goals are good.  Goals are what keep us moving through our day and growing as human beings.  But I think focusing on the big picture is bad.

Scary and bad.

The big picture is either one of two things for me:  It's either so overwhelming I can't even wrap my head around it (what if we get Ebola?  What if the economy crashes?  What if, what if, what if?) or it looks bright and sunny and how in the world can I achieve all that I need to in order to make that happen?

As my therapist says...I operate in absolutes (either all good or all bad).  I'm working on that.

 You see, I've gotten myself into a little bit of a pickle with this whole big picture thing because I really envisioned that my life would be different by now.  I thought I would be well past every ounce of grief I would have and settled where I wanted to be in my life, both personally and professionally.

In other words...I thought I would be happy. 

And I am.  Sometimes.  But sometimes I'm not.  Because the problem with this fairytale way of thinking is that it's not permanent.  Happiness is not a constant for anyone.  Unfortunately, even if you have all of your shit together, your car can still break down, you can still catch the flu, and there is always a never-ending list of things that need to be fixed around your house.

Even lottery winners sometimes have issues with their plumbing.

Happiness is fleeting.  For everyone.  It comes and goes and as much as we try to chase it, it's usually the things that we didn't even count on when we think about the big picture that make us happy.

I don't know about anyone else, but my big picture usually includes all of the things I need to do to get where I think I want to be.  But that's just not realistic because every day brings so much change, it's impossible to completely stick to that step by step process.  It can be good and bad things, but not knowing what's ahead makes it impossible to completely take control of the overall scope of our lives.

In other words...the big picture, whether it's awesome or scary, is really a load of crap.

~

The other day, I was writing a scene for a novel I'm working on and I was in that mode that I love, when I'm so completely into the story it's like I'm reading it instead of writing it.  And even though I had outlined the general story (something I almost never do), something happened to a character that completely shocked me.

And I was the one who was writing it.

What happened changed so many things going forward - how this woman operated, how others reacted to her, and how I related to her even though she's a fictional character.  One incident that wasn't even on my radar completely changed the story I had planned.

Just as it would in real life.

~

This has completely altered the way I think about my life.  In fact, I didn't even realize that I thought this way until these last few months when I've had to truly digest that life is so different from what I envisioned.  Yes, I have moments of happiness, but I still have moments of sorrow.  Yes, I've achieved a lot of the things I wanted to, but there will always be something else I want to experience.  I've had to pause every once in a while and think, "Even if everything you wanted to happen had happened...what do you think your life would look like now?"

And then I have to stop myself from fantasizing about the "perfect life" that, even if everything had worked as planned, would really not be happening.  I have to remind myself that even if everything had unfolded as I dreamed it would I would still need new tires on my car, I would still need to figure out how I was going to get all three kids to the dentist, and that there just isn't this perfect "happily ever after" for anyone - as much as we would all love that to happen.  There isn't a magical moment when we feel like everything has been wrapped up in a perfect Disney ending.

It all ebbs and flows, evolves, changes constantly, and provides us with the ups and downs that everyone experiences.

That's the big picture.