This blog is going to be a ramble because I’m just not thinking straight. But as most of you have figured out by now...this is my best way to just purge how I’m feeling. So forgive my grammar, my random thoughts, and...if this was real paper...my tear stains.
I was sitting in the carpool lane this afternoon, waiting for my son to get out of school, mindlessly going through my Facebook Newsfeed, just trying to kill time. I read through the usual junk, got my fill of The Onion, and caught up with friends without really catching up with them.
Then I came upon a status that, frankly, I just couldn’t believe.
“Rest in peace.” And then the name of someone I knew.
I immediately started shaking and my stomach took a trip to my throat. I called my mom who is out of town and asked her to call her best friend to confirm it.
And yes. It was true.
He died in a car accident on Sunday night. A car accident I called a friend of mine to warn about because the highway was shut down. He was in his car with his 3 kids when an 89 year old woman went the wrong way on the highway and hit them head on.
The kids made it. He did not.
This guy and I went to the same high school and I will admit...I did not know him well. But, because it’s a small world after all, he married someone who is a friend of my family.
And now...she is me.
Oh how my heart hurts.
I don’t understand this. I just wrote about one friend losing her husband. Why in the hell am I sitting here writing about another one???? And while you all know that I am more than willing to be there for anyone who needs me...I don’t want to be needed anymore. I want the bad luck to be gone and for every child to have both parents, every person to have a partner, and every life to be whole.
The other night I went out to give my friend who lost her husband a couple of weeks ago a night out. And I did the most embarrassing thing. After she told me everything that had happened and all about the funeral...I started babbling.
I don’t know why I did it. Well...actually I do. It was because I wanted to impart 3 ½ years of widow wisdom on her...so that it might spare her the pain of learning it for herself.
I later sent her a text apologizing (I’m sure I was just exhausting to be around) and told her that I just wanted to do anything I could to make a fraction of this go away. I know that she understood, but I still wish I could take that night back and be a more restful presence.
I don’t know if it’s the two deaths in rapid succession...but I don’t feel good. I told my mom that I would go to the funeral, which is on Thursday while my parents are still out of town, and I know she is worried about how I will handle it. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I don’t know if this is hitting me funny because it was so sudden...or because it’s so much like what I went through. But right now...I feel like I’ve been sucker punched.
And I think there should be a rule about posting news like that on Facebook.
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© Catherine Tidd 2011