This blog is going to be a ramble because I’m just not thinking straight. But as most of you have figured out by now...this is my best way to just purge how I’m feeling. So forgive my grammar, my random thoughts, and...if this was real paper...my tear stains.
I was sitting in the carpool lane this afternoon, waiting for my son to get out of school, mindlessly going through my Facebook Newsfeed, just trying to kill time. I read through the usual junk, got my fill of The Onion, and caught up with friends without really catching up with them.
Then I came upon a status that, frankly, I just couldn’t believe.
“Rest in peace.” And then the name of someone I knew.
I immediately started shaking and my stomach took a trip to my throat. I called my mom who is out of town and asked her to call her best friend to confirm it.
And yes. It was true.
He died in a car accident on Sunday night. A car accident I called a friend of mine to warn about because the highway was shut down. He was in his car with his 3 kids when an 89 year old woman went the wrong way on the highway and hit them head on.
The kids made it. He did not.
This guy and I went to the same high school and I will admit...I did not know him well. But, because it’s a small world after all, he married someone who is a friend of my family.
And now...she is me.
Oh how my heart hurts.
I don’t understand this. I just wrote about one friend losing her husband. Why in the hell am I sitting here writing about another one???? And while you all know that I am more than willing to be there for anyone who needs me...I don’t want to be needed anymore. I want the bad luck to be gone and for every child to have both parents, every person to have a partner, and every life to be whole.
The other night I went out to give my friend who lost her husband a couple of weeks ago a night out. And I did the most embarrassing thing. After she told me everything that had happened and all about the funeral...I started babbling.
I don’t know why I did it. Well...actually I do. It was because I wanted to impart 3 ½ years of widow wisdom on her...so that it might spare her the pain of learning it for herself.
I later sent her a text apologizing (I’m sure I was just exhausting to be around) and told her that I just wanted to do anything I could to make a fraction of this go away. I know that she understood, but I still wish I could take that night back and be a more restful presence.
I don’t know if it’s the two deaths in rapid succession...but I don’t feel good. I told my mom that I would go to the funeral, which is on Thursday while my parents are still out of town, and I know she is worried about how I will handle it. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I don’t know if this is hitting me funny because it was so sudden...or because it’s so much like what I went through. But right now...I feel like I’ve been sucker punched.
And I think there should be a rule about posting news like that on Facebook.
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© Catherine Tidd 2011
sorry you had to go through this, if Freud were alive I am sure he'd have a lot to say.
ReplyDeleteOddly Cath...Found out a girlfriend and long time blog reader of mine passed the same way. And while I was grateful to know it, it hit me like a ton too and haven't been worth a shit since. I wish death would take a holiday already.
ReplyDeleteCatherine
ReplyDeleteYour post is well-written and thoughtful. You are the strongest widow I know and you helped me beyond words when I became a widow this past November. Don't be too hard on yourself for what you called "babbling." Undoubtedly she gleaned some valuable information and not only that, your intent was honorable.
Bette
You are so strong and such a wonderful presence to us all. You need to remember to be kinder to yourself. So sorry that this is happening to you. Life. Sheesh! Wears down the soul at times. Prayers and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteJeannie
Yeah, they should have rules about FB posting this stuff. People posted about my husband's accident and even created a memorial and info page within hours of the accident, all without my knowledge or consent. I'm sure lots of people found out that way and it caused lots of this type of reaction. I'm sorry for you and for her. Please don't be hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way when I hear about someone I didn't even know at all.
ReplyDeletewhen Steve died I called those closets to him to break the news and then ask them to start making calls as well. After three days I chose to publish it on Facebook because I simply did not know how to get in touch with everyone my husband knew and didn't have the strength to go hunting them down. It isn't a pleasant way to learn of a death but social circles are so large now that it's sometimes the best way to disseminate information quickly. I wanted to make damn sure that anyone who would want to attend his funeral had the opportunity to do so. Updating Facebook was a godsend for me at the time. And the real truth? I could care less if it upset someone that they found out about MY husband's death on the internet.
ReplyDeleteSadly, even seven years later, I still feel the need to rant. Here's where I just started my own rambling http://sosorrynot.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing this WidowChick. I do relate to your story. As a minister, I do struggle when invited to funerals of people around me after my dear wife's homegoing to heaven last May 2009.
ReplyDeleteThere was one occassion where both husband & wife of a family in our community passed away. I was so eager to go to the viewing to encourage both children who were left behind. The family requested me to share a devotional message & pray for the whole family. Every detail of what happened to my dear wife's sudden homegoing came flashing back in my mind as i entered the funeral home & saw 2 bodies in a casket. I was able to share a devotional message & pray for the whole family without any problems. But I was holding back every emotion in me throughout the time i was at the funeral. When I came back home I felt so weak & very much drained. The following day i realized that ministering at funerals might not be good for me as of now. Though i know that i could not get away from it.
May our Lord God's unspeakable peace fill your heart & life!
shalom!