Too Much Information! Oh...Who Am I Kidding??

This is a completely random, unplanned (and I try to plan everything in my life) blog. But I think there’s something you should know about me.

I’m an incredibly oversensitive person.

This trait, that I have thought of as a curse most of my life, has somehow turned into something that is not so bad.

I was the youngest in the family who would cry when someone looked at her the wrong way. Who would pay attention to the tone someone used more than the words. Who knew when someone was happy or sad…and they didn’t have to say anything.

I want you to know that…because I’m the person you’re talking to.

With every story, every comment, I see myself in you. My husband may have died suddenly, but when you write that your spouse died battling cancer or an illness you just didn’t see coming…I put myself in your place. I think of the mere 3 days I spent in the hospital with my husband and I wonder if I would have had the strength to do what you did.

When you write about how your spouse decided to end their life…I think about the time I spent trying to pull my husband out of bouts of depression so low…I felt helpless and guilty. Wondering what I had done to make that happen.

When you write about how your life suddenly changed when you least expected it…I remember how mine did too. And I will say that 3 years later, my good days outweigh my bad…but the bad ones are still heavy

The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter how long we’ve “known”…death is still sudden.

I’m writing this because I just want you all to know how I feel when I read what you write. And believe me…I read it all.

I feel empowered…because I know you’re going through it with me. And on the days I’m low, there is always someone who picks me up.

I feel helpless…because if we’re all going through it together…why can’t we just all make it better now?

I feel hopeful…because every day I wake up and know that I have people who support me. They don’t know me…but they support me. And there are some days…that’s all I need to know.

I just wanted to tell you this because I don’t always respond to everything. But I read it all. I feel it all. And do you want to know why?

Because you’re doing the same for me.

Watch Where You're Going!!!!!

Has anyone else other than me noticed that phase that all kids seem to go through when they charge, full steam ahead…looking backwards?

Surely I’m not the only one who has kids who have done this. This isn’t like the time I asked my friends if their kids all talked with a Brooklyn accent when they were two years old like mine did (yeah…I got some pretty weird looks then. But when don’t I?).

It seems like most kids go through this at some point. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why they stop. I mean, logic would say that they would stop the first time they ran head first into a wall. But I’ve witnessed this enough to know…that’s not the case. It seems like they have to bang into at least 4 things before they understand that this is clearly not the way to go.

Now, these 4 things could be spread out over a period of time. It’s not like the cut off point is when they’re 3. But for those of you out there who have toddlers…don’t worry. Very rarely have I seen a 16 year old who runs as fast as they can with their head turned the other way.

And if you have a 16 year old who does this…I would give that driver’s license a second thought.

You’re probably wondering why in the hell I thought of this today. (Either that, or my ramblings have caused you to click on Fashion Police by now )

But today, I noticed my 4 year old doing this. We were going into the gym (I know, I know…pick yourself up off the floor) and she started running as fast as possible towards the kids center…all the while looking the other way.

She just wanted to make sure that I was behind her.

Envisioning a bloody scene on the faux marble floors of my fitness center, I told her to stop. I knelt down and said, “If you run while you’re looking behind you, you can’t see what’s coming. I’m right here. Watch where you’re going.”

I know this is going to sound crazy, but the second that was out of my mouth, I thought, “Huh. What a concept.” And if I hadn’t been conserving all of my energy for the torture I was about to put myself through…I probably could have produced a lightbulb.

Later on, when I took the kids the park, I started reading “We Are Their Heaven” by Allison DuBois (of Medium fame). It’s an interesting book and I like some of her ideas. One of the things she said that struck me was:

“Of course, you’re going to have bad days from time to time, but if you make an effort to share a good day with those who’ve passed, they get to take part in your joy. Nothing makes them happier. Talk to those who have passed and laugh with them again….Love those you love enough to live for them.”

I love that idea. That our loved ones can still experience joy…through us. I mean it makes sense…they would hurt when we were hurting while they were here and laugh with us when things were good. Why should it be any different now?

I still have my moments. I know I always will. Bad days will come…and there’s not much I can do about that.

However, it occurred to me today that even if I run as fast as I can towards life while constantly looking backwards…I won’t get very far. I won’t see what’s coming…whether it’s something to dodge or something to embrace. It’s time that I look ahead a little more than I look behind. And it’s okay to glance behind myself every once in awhile. I’ll always want to take a peek and know that he’s still there, in my heart and my memory (and according to Allison…still sitting in his favorite chair).

But it’s time that I watch where I’m going. I want to start keeping my focus on what’s ahead.

And just glance into my heart sometimes when I’m not so sure.

Did Death Really Part You?

I have never been one to get emotional at weddings. The truth is…I’ve always been the one who comments to my sister about the tacky bridesmaids dresses (I can do that because mine weren’t so great). I’m always the first one at the open bar. And I’m the eagle-eye looking for the first pair of bare feet so that I can take my torturous shoes off too.

I, personally, had a great time at my wedding, but I’ll be the first to admit that I had no idea what I was really getting into. I mean…who has any concept of what “forever” means when you’re 20 years old? At that age, “forever” means looking forward to the weekend and the party your neighbor is giving on Friday night.

“Til death do you part” is a huge concept and when you really think about it…it’ll scare the crap out of you. I think that’s why a lot of us get married so young…so we don’t really have it in us to digest this idea yet. Because…if I can be honest…the thought of sitting next to someone with a matching bed pan never entered my mind in my 20s.

My concept of marriage has completely changed, of course, since my husband died. I now know what that actually means and it terrifies me to think about doing it all over again. Now I know that it means sleepless nights while you watch someone you pray is not suffering. It means getting a phone call that in an instant will forever change how you look at the world. It means wondering for the rest of your life…how could this have happened?

Of course…it also means those random acts of happiness. It means looking at someone over breakfast, with their bedhead and bad breath, and knowing you wouldn’t want to be anyplace else. It means changing a 19 inch stranger's diaper (that came from the devil) and looking at your spouse, knowing that these moments are what memories are made of. It means having a 5 minute piece of your life when you feel truly happy.

So now…when I witness a marriage…I cry like a baby.

Every time I see someone getting married (and it doesn’t matter if it’s on Private Practice or in real life), I find myself tearing up and thinking, “Do they know what they’re doing???” “’Til death do you part’…people! That’s no bullshit.”

Or is it?

I guess physically it makes sense. If your spouse dies and you keep them just hanging around your house…well…that’s a new level of Hoarders. And one I think I might skip, thank you very much.

But I have a problem with the two ideas of the “death” and the “parting.”

I know it’s really not up to me to change what people a lot smarter than me wrote on…well…I couldn’t find the Copyright date. I mean, I get what they’re saying…that death may have physically separated us.

But it never parted us. And call me crazy…but it probably never will.

To be honest…I really don’t have a problem with that. Yes, I’ve taken my ring off…but I still feel connected to him. Yes, my life has moved forward…but I think he’s moving with me. And yes…I’ve dated. And when I even think about getting married again…it’s like I’m committing spiritual biligamy.

My husband’s always in my heart, telling me he supports me or sometimes questioning the decisions that I make. Just like when he was here.

The kids and I laugh when we talk about our memories with him and the funny things he did. Just like when he was here.

And I date a lot. Just like when he was here.

(Just kidding. I wanted to make sure you were paying attention.)

The truth is, we never really part from the people who come into our lives…late spouses, bad bosses, friends we always meant to keep in touch with…they’re all a part of us. Just as we will always be a part of them.

The important thing is to embrace it…and them. Acknowledge every experience and every person as a part of us and who we are. Don’t shy away from it. Run toward it all with open arms. Tell that inner part of you that it’s okay…you can move forward without moving away.

But you can still bash the bridesmaids’ dresses. I mean…what was the bride thinking???