Thursday, March 3, 2011

Had a Good Day...Wish You Were Here

One of the hardest things to get used to as a widow is how good days come with mixed emotions.  I’m having one of those moments.

Today was good, which really surprised me.  I was up most of the night with a sick little girl (who is still feeling pretty puny today) so I expected to be exhausted and get nothing done.

As we all know...sick kid + single parent = tired parent.

In spite of my exhaustion, I was able to get a few things done on and since writing code and working on “the back end” have never been my strengths...anything I can get accomplished accomplishment.

My afternoon was pretty normal...running around, picking everyone up, and getting them where they needed to go.  I had a parent/teacher conference this afternoon for my son, which I wasn’t worried about because he always seems to do pretty well.  But for some reason, I always forget how emotionally draining those conferences are...especially when they have to do with my son.

He’s like his dad in so many ways...just super, super smart (and I can promise you that he did not get that from me).  I was mid-way through listening to the teacher tell me that he is in not one, but two accelerated math groups and that he is already halfway into the next grade level in reading and writing when it hit me.

I have no one to tell.

I mean, I have people I can tell.  My parents will be excited.  I have friends who will say, “That’s great!”  But that person who is the other half of my son isn’t here.  So that great news...came with a little hurt.

I hate it when that happens.

I heard from a newspaper today that wants to do a story on, thanks to a friend of mine who put in a good word for me.  And by the time I had gotten home from the parent/teacher conference...I had heard from another newspaper, not only interested in doing a story on the website, but also praising my writing.

Believe one could possibly be more shocked about that than I am. 

I was so excited I could barely contain myself.  It was like getting an A in a class you thought you’d be lucky to get a C in.  And then I sat down in front of my computer with a thud and realized, once again...there’s nobody to tell.

I hate to say that the good things in life are tainted by one bad thing that happened...but it’s true.  I long for the days when I experienced “great”...without experiencing “loss.”  My disappointment in being forced to internalize good news is lessoning...but I doubt that it will ever go away.  Because even as a kid...I couldn’t wait to share everything that was going on my life.  And now I have no one to burst through the door and tell.

So I’m going to look on the positive side.  I can always tell you.

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© Catherine Tidd 2011


  1. I know that feeling oh so well. I Have been having many great things happening for me at work but as soon as I get excited about it I remember I have no one at home to share it with - just takes the joy right out of everything!!!!

  2. I love the way you explain this...I have caught myself feeling guilty for enjoying something and I have wanted to talk to Scott about something I would normally talk over with him and it hits me...hes not here to talk to. This is just starting and now i know its going to happen to me over and over again. I have been talking to him alot even tho he is not here tho.
    Your perspective is wonderful. You put into words what Im feeling and couldn't find the words. Thank You.

  3. This is so true. I have had moments like that also. I am such an external processor that it is like the good thing didn't really happen until I share it with...well, him. It is one of the hardest things I think about dealing with loosing my husband. I know my family and friends love me, but it's not the same as telling him. Thanks for writing this. It's one of those hard realities about loss that no one really talks about...thank you.

  4. Thanks you guys...I feel better now that I've "let it out!" Widowisland...THAT is EXACTLY what I meant!

  5. Julie Richards DiBeneMarch 4, 2011 at 1:00 AM

    First off kudos to your Son, he rocks just like his Mom!! Second, kudos to You for being You,congrats on the well deserved recognition on your one of a kind fantabulous writing and of course the birth of your fourth child...Sending You well deserved Big Big Bear Hugs Catherine!!

  6. The other half of that is "I have no one to tell" when things didn't go well. He was always my biggest supporter. No one else cared much if I didn't get the new job, or the one of the kids had a problem. Sometimes I still find myself thinking "wait til I tell Mike this one." sigh.