Sunday, March 24, 2013

Untangling My Brain

If you read my last post, it should come as no surprise that I'm still trying to untangle my brain a little.  It's kind of like trying to unpick a necklace with a fine chain - just when you think you've got a handle on it  you see another knot, maybe smaller, but more tightly bound.

I don't mind these moments in life.  Well, I mind when they're happening but I know the outcome will bring to a place I'm supposed to be.  The end of my three year relationship in September has reminded me a little of when my husband died - I spent the first six months thinking that I had a handle on things only to figure out that I was either in denial or just coping the best I knew how.

And that's when I realized how much I was affected by it.  And that's when the painful process of rebuilding began.

Now, you all know that I know that a break-up is not the same thing as a death - not even close.  The bad part about losing a spouse is how painful it is.  But on the positive side, I know that I've been through one of the worst things a person can and that frankly...anything beyond that (with the exception of another loss) really pales in comparison.

But it still hurts.

Part of my current rebuild is figuring out my priorities which, to be honest, is a very lonely process.  Because no one else can figure that out but you.  And to truly determine your priorities, you often have to clean your emotional house, take things slow, and dig deep.

Which is just as much fun as it sounds.

I have this book that I love called A Writer's Book of Days that gives writing prompts for each day of the year.  I never type what I write, loving the process of writing in a journal and not being able to erase anything that I write because I'm never sure what's going to come out.  Sometimes I write just a sentence, sometimes I'll write pages.  Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't.  And sometimes the prompt is just so true for my life...that's what I write about.

March 16, 2013 

Prompt:  Write about sinking

Well, that's easy.  I've been sinking for a few weeks.

Oddly, part of my descent involves a new level of self-respect.  I've been through enough, witnessed enough, and been subject to enough to finally have boundaries.  What's hard to figure out is that sometimes creating boundaries feels like closing doors and it's hard to distinguish between the two.

I don't want to be fearful of life and I also don't want to be fearful of being alone.  I feel like I'm finally getting to that place - where my self-respect outweighs my fear of being alone.  

So, while a part of me feels like I'm sinking, there's another part of my soul that feels like it's rising.  I feel disappointed in some of the things that have happened, but also proud that I've started saying, "No.  I deserve the best and I'm worth the best and I won't settle for less."

I just have to be careful that by creating boundaries, I don't isolate myself from opportunities.

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