Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Decision-Making Freak Out



Earlier this week I had a dream about my husband.  It doesn't happen often, but I've had a dream similar to this one before.  I'd just found out that my husband had actually been alive these long seven years (where he was, I don't know...had he been a CIA agent on assignment?  The possibilities are endless) and I'd just heard that he was coming home.

As we all know, when we have powerful dreams, we usually wake up holding on to some of the feelings we experienced in the dream.  For example:  I've been annoyed with a friend the next day because she pissed me off in my dream the night before or stressed the moment I've woken up and have had to remind myself that I did in fact graduate from high school, so I don't have to worry about final exams anymore.

Stuff like that.

So when I woke up from my dream this week, I groggily thought, "I should feel so happy.  I got to see Brad."  But instead, I found myself feeling....

Panicked.

In the dream, I was sitting on a bench, waiting for Brad to appear, petrified that he was going to go through the list of decisions I'd made since he'd been gone and disapprove of every one of them.  I sat there like a child, waiting to be punished.

Of course, I woke up before I found out what he thought about any of it.  But that's not the point. 

The point is that seven years into widowhood, there is still a part of me that doesn't trust myself.

~
In the beginning, the thought of being the sole decision maker did one of two things:  It either scared the shit out of me or empowered me, depending on the day.  The afternoon I picked out a new living room couch?  LOVED IT.  The day I started thinking about moving the family from the house we'd been in for ten years?  Hello, Fear.  

I've sat in hospitals alone with a child, wishing someone could be there to help me figure out what to do.  And I've made financial decisions, somewhat grateful that I don't have someone here to second guess me.

The thing is that with every decision, there is a piece of Brad.  Whether it's a "screw you, I like this paint color and you're not here to argue with me" or talking to him while I'm driving down the road and asking the empty car, "What would you do if you were here?" he always plays at least a small part in most of the decisions I make.

And I'm not sure I'm always happy about it.  

I wonder what it would be like to just make a decision without having that little widow voice inside my head saying, "What would he think if he was here?"

I wonder if I will ever know?

~
I finished a manuscript a few months ago - yet another "widow read" but this time it's fiction. In the book, a young woman has lost her husband and one night she wishes he could come back.  He ends up appearing in a way only she can see and helps her through a lot of her first big decisions as a new widow:  going through his clothes, going on her first date...things like that.

At one point, they're having a conversation where she's telling him how much she's missed talking to him and getting his point of view.  And this is what he says:

"I know," he said, looking at me sympathetically.  "I missed being able to talk back and forth with you, too.  But the point is, you knew me so well.  You knew me better than anyone else.  And because of that, there is a part of you that will always be able to talk to me.  And a part of you that will always be able to hear what I have to say."

I don't know why that made me feel better.  It was like I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when she discovers that she's always had the power to go home.  That I would always have it in me to talk to Henry and have him with me gave me a small sense of comfort.

"But it's not the same," I said, sadly.  "It's not the same as asking you what you think about things or what you think I should do."

"I know it's not," he said.  "But in some ways, it really doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what I think about you moving or whether you date or whether you buy a new car.  This is your life now.  It's yours.  And I don't ever want you to think for one moment that I ever doubted the way you lived it.  I didn't before and I never will."

This piece of the book happened during one of my euphoric moments as a writer:  When it just seemed to write itself and I was reading it as I went along.  I remember finishing this and leaning back and thinking, "Where did that come from?"  But like all writing, everything comes from somewhere deep inside you that you may not have even realized you were thinking.

Or, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz...that  you knew all along.

21 comments:

  1. After he was gone 3 years I bought a new couch and cried because it was the first piece of furniture I bought new with out him. Same with the car, I told my brother to just tell me what to get because I just didn't care, it was his thing. I miss bouncing all of this off of him even though I always made most of the decisions.

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    1. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

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  2. A year after he died someone helped me replace the belt on the mower deck. When it was time to put the tools away, something I'd done hundreds of times with him, I couldn't think - couldn't remember which drawers to put them in. And I thought damn you for dying. I'll put them wherever I feel like it. And I cried for two days.

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  3. WOW.. exactly what I have been dealing with, it's like your in my head! LOL

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  4. It's good to see that we all go through the same feelings. I'm about to move house and it is strange having to make all the decisions myself. I was always confident- but only because he was in the background for me. Miss his protection..

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  5. I felt so lost after my husband died, but I did feel a lot of independence as time went on. I know it might sound bad to others, but many times I felt relieved that no one could argue with decisions I made for our son.

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  6. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm grieving for my father in law. I miss my rock and protector. My in laws are alienating me, I wish I knew why. My husband hasn't the best relationship with them. I pray this difficult time will pass. Your an exceptional lady.

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  7. I wonder when I will stop missing my husband. I have had some good days where I am genuinely happy, and then bam, for some reason I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. This journey is so very difficult and I am less than 5 months in.

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  8. Today being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love so much, i tried all my possible best to make sure i make my lover happy but it never seems to work out well it was like am doing everything in vain but all thanks to Dr onofe for coming to change all my worries and sadness to Joy. i knew the great man when i read some wonderful reviews about Dr Onofe how he has helped a lots of people on there relationship problem i was reading a magazine which then i saw great testimonies as well which then i decided not to waste time because i have missed my lover so much i decided to contact him and share all my problem with him which then he told me not to worry that he assures me that within 48 hours everything would be sorted out i believed Dr Onofe so much because i believe he can't fail me but truly Dr Onofe never failed me cos a man that stand on his worlds is really a man,my husband who left me for a year plus replied my text and for the first time returned my calls and asked me to please forgive him i was so happy and so grateful to Dr Onofe for what he has done for me. if you are there passing through this same problem or of any kinds just contact this great man on onofetemple@yahoo.com or call him on +2348100078330.

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  9. All thanks to the source of my happiness{ DR. MAGBU}. Hello Every one out here!!I want to share my testimony and my happiness with you all in this site, last year my husband left me for another woman in his working place and he abandon me and my 2kids, everything was so hard for me because i love him so much, so i saw the testimonies of Dr.Magbu how he has been helping ladies in getting there husband back so i contacted him and he help me to cast a return spell for my husband and in 3 days my husband left the other woman and he come back to me with so much love and caring. i will never forget this help that Dr.Magbu gave to me and my children.if you are here you need help to get you lover back you can contact him through this email reunitingexspell@gmail.com , i am proud to be on his testimony page.

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  10. living a life without the one you love being by your side is like living in hell. i confirm it when my lover left me and promised never to return i tried all i could to get her back but the more i try the more she go far from me then i said to myself there most be a solution to this because there is know problem on earth without solution then i decided to do some research on the internet and i came across this great spell caster called Dr.Abolo and how he has been helping people in achieving back there loves once. immediately i piked up his contact info and contacted him. when i contacted him i told him my problem all he said was relax and see what will happen within the next 48hrs just as the time clock 48hrs my lover called me asking for re-union and today we are now happily together again as lovers. so you out there looking for a way to get back your lover i will advice you to send am email to him for help via Abolospell@hotmail.com or call him directly on +2347052534659 he was sent to help me and you out of hart-break.

    ReplyDelete

  11. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

    ReplyDelete

  12. I am full of happiness and delight, on the grounds that I have my significant other once more at my palm. My partner left me for just about 2 years. He doesn't pick or even return my calls and sends messages. I tried each approaches to get him back, however no way. Until I met with this extraordinary spell caster called Dr okika, who did magic for me to get him back in less than 42hrs. I exhort anybody going to this site to run to him promptly for any relationship offer assistance. He is an extremely effective and experience spell caster you can get help from.you can contact this great man Dr okika on his email okikaspelltemple@yahoo.com or okikaspelltemple@gmail.com call him on +2348134367919.

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  13. Take your troll responses and get lost. This is for widows and widowers.

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  14. I'm sure God led me to you. You have helped me soooo much! I will always be grateful for restoring my marriage because there are other people out there who are also in need of your help. keep up the good work Gbenga Okokodu. you can contact him on his email gbengaokokodu@yahoo.in

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  15. I know is really hard to stay alone without your lover been around you, I was in the same situation for 6 months till I find a solution, we both fall in love with each other and we got married but after 1 year of our marriage everything was changing after he got a new job in a new city, we where still talking on phone when he move to where he now working after spending just 2 months there, everything changed he stop calling me and any time i call him a lady will pick his call i was wondering what is happening till he called me that he was getting a divorce i was surprise to hear that from him i thought it was a joke till it happened then I realize I can't stay without him so i began to look for a solution then i came across Dr. EKPEN of EKPEN TEMPLE on the internet who helped me to bring my lover back. i will drop his email address in case you are passing through the same situation so you can contact him on (((((Ekpentemple@gmail.com)))))) or call him on +2347050270218.

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  16. Dear friends i want to use this medium to say a very big thanks to Dr Shine On How i got my boyfriend back. Am Bella Johnson by name I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr Shine he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the Dr Shine only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is: divinemercysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +2348069502126

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  17. My name is NATASHA, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls i tried all i could . Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who has also had a similar problem, she told me of a spell caster called dr Okun of okuntemple@gmail.com who helped her solved her marital problems. But i told her that if it has to do with making blood sacrifice that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with that and she said what is required of me is to do as i am directed so i obeyed.i provided dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com of the details as he requested after three days of the reunion spell initiation choice that i made as presented before me my husband jones Mimi came back to me begging that he was sorry to have cheated on me that it wasnt his fault and i forgave him as i publish this testimonial i do such with all joy knowing that there is somebody out there who is in need of help dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com is a passionate and reliable love spellcaster waste no time to tell him of your problem at okuntemple@gmail.com or call his number on +2347060595685 i know he will help you just as he helped me

    ReplyDelete
  18. My name is NATASHA, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls i tried all i could . Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who has also had a similar problem, she told me of a spell caster called dr Okun of okuntemple@gmail.com who helped her solved her marital problems. But i told her that if it has to do with making blood sacrifice that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with that and she said what is required of me is to do as i am directed so i obeyed.i provided dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com of the details as he requested after three days of the reunion spell initiation choice that i made as presented before me my husband jones Mimi came back to me begging that he was sorry to have cheated on me that it wasnt his fault and i forgave him as i publish this testimonial i do such with all joy knowing that there is somebody out there who is in need of help dr okun of okuntemple@gmail.com is a passionate and reliable love spellcaster waste no time to tell him of your problem at okuntemple@gmail.com or call his number on +2347060595685 i know he will help you just as he helped me

    ReplyDelete
  19. It seemed like Dr. Todd knew right where to attack my problem. He knew what I needed and how to get me the results (answers) I was looking for and thats exactly what I got to. E-mail: manifestspellcast@gmail.com or manifestspellcast@yahoo.com

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  20. BE CAREFUL HERE NOBODY CAN HELP YOU HERE OR EVEN SUGGEST HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EX OR LOVE BACK,ANY TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORE.BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM AND I GOT RIPPED OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE BACK AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR OVER 2 YEARS WITH MY 7 YEARS OLD SON JERRY,I HAVE APPLIED TO 7 DIFFERENT SPELL CASTER HERE AND ALL TO NO AVAIL THEY ALL ASK FOR SAME THING SEND YOUR NAME YOUR EX NAME DDRESS AND PICTURE PHONE NUMBER ETC WHICH I DID OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MOST OF THEM WERE FROM WEST AFRICA UNTIL I SAW A POST ABOUT MAMA ANITA SPELL AND I DECIDED TO GAVE HER MY LAST TRAIL.SHE ASK ME FOUR THINGS MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND $380 AND SAID MY EX WILL COME BACK IN 24HOURS, I HAVE PAID OVER $3000 ON SPELL CASTING AND COURIER AND NOTHING HAVE WORK FOR ME AFTER 3 DAYS I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST SO FAR SO I SAID LET ME GIVE HER A TRY SO I CALLED HER AGAIN AND SEND MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND THE $380 BECAUSE I SWEAR IT WAS MY LAST TRY SO I WAS WAITING AS SHE TOLD ME TO WAIT TILL NEXT DAY AND I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE MY WIFE AND WANT HER BACK AT 9PMTHAT DAY I SAW MY WIFE ON LINE ON FACE BOOK AND SHE SAID HI AT FIRST I WAS SHOCK BECAUSE SHE NEVER TALK WITH ME FOR THE PAST A YEAR AND 9 MONTH NOW I DID NOT REPLY AGAIN SHE SAID ARE YOU THERE? I QUICKLY REPLY YES AND SHE SAID CAN WE SEE TOMORROW I SAID YES AND SHE WENT OFF-LINE I WAS CONFUSED I TRY TO CHAT HER AGAIN BUT SHE WAS NO MORE ON LINE I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT AS I WAS WONDERING WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY, BY 7.AM THE NEXT MORNING SHE GAVE ME A MISS CALL I DECIDED NOT TO CALL BACK AS I WAS STILL ON SHOCK AGAIN SHE CALL AND I PICK SHE SAID CAN WE SEE AFTER WORK TODAY I SAID YES SO SHE END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY I GOT OFF WORK SHE CALL ME AND WE MEET AND NOW WE ARE BACK AGAIN I CALL MAMA ANITA THE NEXT DAY THANKING HER FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE IN FACT I STILL CALL HER AND THANK HER AS MY LIFE WAS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MY WIFE PLEASE BE CAREFUL HERE I HAVE BEEN SCAM THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IF YOU WANT A TRUE LOVE SPELL THEN CONTACT MAMA ANITA (mamaanita.lovespellsolution@gmail.com) or mama.anitaspellcraft@hotmail.com

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