I am so tired right now. If you suddenly see
you'll know I did a face plant into my keyboard.
I hate moving. I've always hated it. In fact, after moving into this house twelve years ago I told Brad that he was going to have to bury me in the backyard of this house like a pet parakeet because I never ever wanted to move again.
Damn it. He beat me to the punch. But because he didn't mind moving I actually buried him someplace other than the backyard.
This move is just plain hard. It's bad enough to pack boxes, but this one is pretty heavy emotionally, too (I wonder if my moving company is going to charge me the extra weight for that??? Better ask). So in the last few weeks, I have done a pre-move, if you will.
Into the land of Denial.
Denial is a tricky one because I can't decide if it's actually all that bad for you. Sure, things can resurface later, but that could happen anyway. At least this way I have a little extra time to ignore what's actually going on.
One moment I'll be thinking, "My God. I can't believe I'm going to be leaving this house in just a few weeks." And then I'll do an about-face and think, "You're moving into your own space! This will be fun!"
(My denial voice sounds very much like a middle-aged cheerleader on crack.)
One moment I'll think, "We've been on this street for twelve years! Almost the kids' entire lives!" and then I'll stop myself and think, "I wonder if the next block I move to will have a tall, buff man living across the street who likes to do all of his outdoor work (including snow blowing) shirtless."
And that snaps me out of my funk.
Something that I read a while ago in Becky Aikman's Saturday Night Widows has stuck with me. When researching grief, someone told her that when she starts remembering sad moments, she should immediately do something that makes her happy, thereby replacing her sadness with joy.
Now, come on. That sounds a little denial-ish to me.
So, right now I'm just going to do what I need to do to get through these next few weeks. I could be selling my soul to the grief devil who will visit me around July 15th and not leave me alone until after the holidays. But at this point I'm willing to give it a try.
I'll let you know how it goes.
"I'll think about it tomorrow. "ReplyDelete
from famous southern belle in denial Scarlett O'Hara
I'm in denial about being in denial about moving from our home for the past 12 years, although my husband died suddenly three years ago. Our oldest daughter graduated from college on May 9, the 3 year anniversary of his death AND Mother's Day was May 10, our youngest daughter graduated from high school on May 21 and I'm sitting here in our kitchen saying to myself "Well, I better think about moving..." I know I have to move because I can't afford to live her anymore, my oldest daughter has moved to Boston and started a new job and my youngest daughter starts college out of state in August. But it's still so hard.ReplyDelete
For whatever it's worth, I moved less than 3 months after my husband suddenly passed away (I had to because he had always done the driving to school, which was 45 minutes away WITHOUT traffic). That was 6 months ago, and it turned out to be a great move (although I'm still waiting for your dreamy, shirtless snow-blower to show up). Not only was it good for the kids, but having a new space where there wasn't always "his" spot at the dinner table and "his" spot for TV, etc. has been a blessing. Maybe a blessing from the Denial God, but after the craziness of the actual move died down I could really appreciate it.ReplyDelete