Thursday, October 15, 2015

If my therapist is reading this...I'll be in touch as soon as I hit "Publish."



I've gotten a lot of comments, emails, etc. about my blog yesterday.  So many of you understood what I was talking about (always a bonus when you think you're living in the Land of the Insane.  Company is always nice).

And it brought me to this question:  I'm trying to figure out why we bother dating at all? 

I think part of it is that I have heard enough success stories within my own circles, widowed and not, to keep dipping my toe in.  And I am extremely happy for those friends; they're all nice people who have found nice people and two rights never make a wrong (right?).  They've been able to put aside their own hangups and look past those little things that seem to annoy me (Yes, to my friend Wendi Sue who posted on my Facebook author page...I agree with Jerry Seinfeld and I really don't like it when they eat their peas one at a time).

But there is one word that keeps flashing in my mind when I think about the whole dating thing.

Fear.

Fear that it won't work out.  Fear that it will.  Fear that I'll make the wrong decision either way.

What most people in my situation get stuck on is the idea that something will happen to the person they've fallen for and that is a very real fear.  I know I've had times when I've been dating someone, they'll tell me some ailment they have, and if it's anything bigger than a hangnail I start looking for the exit.

And we shouldn't be made to feel guilty about that.  We're not being shallow - we just know what it's like to lose someone.  And we're not anxious to do it again.

It was such a violation the first time - something was taken from us.  I mean, if you'd been burglarized...wouldn't you be a lot more cautious about locking the door?

So, the other fear is the exact opposite:  What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? 

That's the one that keeps me plugging away.  I have three children at home right now and my life is a tornado of loud, smelly, laughing, yelling activity.  But they will get older.  They will move away (no seriously...they WILL move away).

And my house will be quiet.

Will I like that?  Will I not?  Will I wish I had spent this time - before my breasts have to be rolled up into my bra (right now they just have to be shoved into the right spot)  - wishing I had been more proactive in finding a partner?

Or will I enjoy the silence and congratulate myself on having complete control over the remote?

I have no answer here, as is often the case.  But the one thing I hate about this situation is that it is all so based in fear.  That never gets anyone anywhere.  The problem is that at this age, I've experienced so much - some good, some bad - that I'm trying to do everything I can to find the good again without experiencing the bad.

And I should really know by now that that's not possible.

The problem is that almost everything in life is so damn unexpected - both the good and the bad.  I didn't expect my husband to die just like I didn't really expect to meet him in the first place.  I didn't expect to be on my own, just as I didn't expect to like it as much as I do now.  I didn't expect to come home one day and to a completely pristine house because my kids cleaned the whole thing while I was gone.  Which is good because that never happened.

Just wanted to see if you were still reading.

Is the secret to happiness to let go of all of your expectations? 

But then won't you just be expecting something to happen because you've given up your expectations?

(If my therapist is reading this...I'll be in touch as soon as I hit "Publish.")


7 comments:

  1. I completely relate to this post. And yesterdays. Widowed six years, I too, enjoy being single and found that I preferred getting a "you'll never believe this..." dating story to entertain my friends to having a date with a really nice guy with possibilities. The projecting into the 'what if's' is scary. Now I just look at whether they earn a second date. Then whether their will be a third. A date (or two or three) I can handle. It's not nearly as scary as a relationship!

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  2. Widowchick,
    I am writing you here to make sure you are aware that efforts to reach thewiddahood.com site result in being connected to sites showing graphic nudity, etc., and also in my experience the site I think Ashley Madison.
    Can your tech people resolve this with your server or whatever? It doesn’t happen on my desktop but happens with the smart phone using in my experience Chrome and/or Internet Explorer. Other posters have commented also. Coming face to face with such sites can be upsetting.
    It would be a shame to have such activity preempt visits to thewiddahood.com.
    Hope you are well and please know I appreciate your sites.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was shocked too when I used Google search...When you are grieving over your spouse..I feel it's even more offensive! Please fix it!
      Please!!!

      Delete
    2. I was shocked too when I used Google search...When you are grieving over your spouse..I feel it's even more offensive! Please fix it!
      Please!!!

      Delete
  3. "But the one thing I hate about this situation is that it is all so based in fear. That never gets anyone anywhere. The problem is that at this age, I've experienced so much - some good, some bad - that I'm trying to do everything I can to find the good again without experiencing the bad." WOW! this hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you for packaging it up so nicely and putting it into words. Its been 9 years since my husband is gone. I am 41 and still feel like I am living in survival mode, precariously tiptoeing through life, praying the other shoe doesn't drop. I haven't dated yet. As time goes on, I think it becomes harder to imagine it, never mind actually do it. I really don't have any expectations............... or maybe I do. I expect not to expect much. I very well may be a widow for the rest of my life and that may just be OK.

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  4. Widowchick,
    I am so sorry to see access to thewiddahood is still a problem. This must be awful for you and your tech people--a virtual nightmare.
    Attempts to reach thewiddahood.com via personal computer now result in encountering a reported attack page. Obviously something has happened, i.e., like the site being hacked.

    It would be greatly appreciated if you or your tech people would address what is happening and even possibly hint at when this might be corrected. If not, what are the plans?

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete