I'm the Relationship Vulture: If you have a flaw, I'll circle until I find it.

I couldn't sleep last night because I had so many great ideas about how to write this blog.  I really should have gotten up and done it because now I can't remember one damn thing.

Oh, well.  We'll just wing it today.

As with most things in the last 8+ years, I feel like I'm going backwards.  I wrote about that a lot in my book - in fact, that was the main reason I felt so "mediocre."  I kept thinking that I was grieving backwards and mourning my husband in the wrong order.  I lived life at a break-neck pace in the beginning, only to crash months later.  I threw parties and emmersed myself in my friendships and then isolated myself later in my dimly lit basement where I cranked out a book.

And I dated early...which brings me to where I am today.  Not wanting to date at all.

There are moments when I let myself remember what it's like to be part of a relationship - to hold hands walking through the mall, to ask someone what they think about what's on TV, to have that blind acceptance of someone else because you know they feel the same way about you.

Yes.  I miss that.

But it's the getting there that I can't do.  Years ago, after Brad died, I was so determined to find someone else and settle down again that I was open to just about anything.  Now, eight years later, alone and somewhat jaded (I'll be the first to admit it), I'm not open to anyone.  I don't know when it happened.  It just did.

~

Well, that's not entirely true.  When I look back I can see the progression.  I was married to a good man and I lost him.  I had a relationship after that that hurt me deeply which was yet another loss.  Both of those experiences left me scared.  And being scared forced me into a life in Singleville.  And being single became something I cling to.

In other words:  all those years ago I was scared to be alone.  Now I'm scared to be attached.

So, here's what happens.  With every man I encounter, I pick them apart to the point where there's nothing left.  I'm the relationship vulture.  If you have a flaw, I'll circle until I find it.  I'm not mean about it - it's all in my head.  But if they have any of the qualities of the men that haven't worked out since my husband died...I'm outta there.

And what if they don't have one?  Well, that's the pickle I'm in now.

I went on a date last week (my mother's going to read this and say, "What?  And you didn't tell me?") and it was lovely.  He showed up with rose (who does that anymore?), took me to see a jazz band (points for creativity), and we went out for a bite to eat where he suggested we order just about every fried item on the appetizer menu (I hope he's still around when I'm PMSing -that could come in handy).

Up until that point, I'd already been testing him.  Oh, yes.  Me and my wicked ways.  I'm widowed.  I have three kids. I work.  Which makes me unresponsive, unavailable, and usually has any man saying after a week, "You know what?  It doesn't seem like you have time for this."

Not this one (so far).  I get text messages that tell me how much he admires me for taking all of this on my own.  That he doesn't want to push, but he would be really happy to see me when I can make it work.  That he understands if I don't call when I say I will because I have so much going on.

Well, shit.  Now what do I do?

~

Here's the sad part - the part where the girl finds a nice guy and realizes that being single has nothing really to do with the men out there.  It's entirely her doing and she has to decide if being with someone else is worth the risk.  She has to decide if the fear that she's allowed to take over her life (in many areas) is what's going to be her companion.  If it will keep her safe.

I don't know.

I had a consultation with an author yesterday who is working on a memoir about the abuse she suffered when she was first married in the 1960s.  She never remarried and she said, "I never wanted anyone to have control over my life again."

And I found myself nodding along to everything she was saying.  I've never been abused, but I am a control freak and allowing someone else to influence my life is a very scary prospect right now.

But I listened to this woman, who is now in her 70s, tell me she's been alone since then.  And that got me to thinking.

Do I want the next memoir I write to be about all the fear that's kept me from living? 

I don't think so.

I mean...who would read THAT?

17 Things To Expect When You Start Dating Someone Who Has Been Single For A While

Being single awards us certain privileges like not having to consider a partner in decision making and taking up literally all the space on the bed at night. There are 17 things you should consider when you start dating someone who has been alone for a while.

1. They might do things without letting you know

At first at least. Being single for an extended period of time gets you into the habit of acting alone. As your relationship develops, so will your partnership with them.

2. They’ll likely want to move slowly

It’s not that they don’t like you. They’re just not in a rush to be married to you.

3. Their friends might be overprotective

But that’ll wear off with time. They’re just not used to seeing their friend be with someone else.

4. They might not let you do things for them

Again, don’t take it personally. Single people are used to taking care of themselves. They’re not used to having someone look out for them.

5. They might be a little stubborn at first

Don’t worry, it’ll fade. Much like doing things without letting you know, this is how a single person operates. But eventually, your partnership will materialize.

6. They’ll want to be left alone sometimes

Especially at first. They’re probably not going to be head over heels for you the second your first date starts. They might still be nervous, but not exactly eager to jump into anything too serious too fast.

7. There may be a point where they pull away

Give them time and space. They are probably just realizing how serious it’s getting.

8. They might question your feelings

They’ll probably want to get into your head. They’re used to being able to figure things out on their own with themselves. Now they feel like they have to figure you out too.

9. They might be headstrong initially

They’re not likely to ask for or accept help. They’ll let go of their tight grip eventually.

10. They have their guard up

But like everything else listed here, they’ll let it down eventually. Especially if you’re patient.

11. They might not be too trusting at first

And besides, why would they trust you fully after a few dates? Be patient and it’ll come.

12. They’ll seem strong

But don’t be intimidated. It’s just a protective shell. They’ll come out eventually.

13. They might be reserved

A lot of these apply to me before I found myself happily in a relationship but this one. I’m outgoing on a date. Maybe too outgoing. But not everyone is like that. In general.

14. They may not show any vulnerability

Their weaknesses may be hidden. They’ll likely feel weak once those vulnerabilities are out in the open. Make sure you’re there to protect your new partner.

15. They don’t need you

And they may never. But in time, they’ll want you, and that’s what you want.

16. They’re likely afraid

Afraid of being hurt, of being in love, and of being loved. They may be afraid of being hurt again.

17. Being alone is their comfort zone

So be sure to take care not to charge into their comfort zone uninvited.

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I Can Take Anything Anybody Calls Me so Long as it's Not True

I stole that line.  I stole it from Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman.  But since I suspect that manuscript was in some ways stolen from her...I think it's okay.

But that's another blog.

I spent three years in a relationship where I was basically manipulated and sometimes verbally abused.  I could say a lot more about it, but I won't.  I really should, but I won't.

When this other person wasn't getting his way, he would call me many things...one of which was selfish; which I think we all are to a certain extent (and if we aren't, maybe we should be).  And of all the names he called me...that was the one that never really hit my soul.

You know why?

Well, after reading that quote, I do.

Because it wasn't true.

It's funny.  Being selfish is probably one of my biggest fears.  Which is probably why I'm not.  And I know I'm not.  I'm a good friend.  I will help you pick up all of your pieces if you let me. I give what I can (but I am learning to save a little)

This person would say this to me, push my buttons and make me prove it wasn't true. For years I couldn't figure out why it didn't hurt me when he said it - maybe I was just too cold?   Maybe I was so selfish I didn't even see it? 

Or maybe it didn't hurt me because it wasn't true.

I guess some people might think this blog is self-serving.

It's not.

I'm just proud of myself for knowing who I was before I knew it.

What Was She THINKING?

I posted an article earlier this week (I think.  What day is it???) that struck a chord with so many. And it really was a great piece. If you missed it, check out 10 Contradictory and Bull-shitty Scraps of Advice Given to Widows. It really details so well the contrary opinions we get so often - and usually by the same person.


But, be careful.  People in glass houses shouldn't throw bad advice or judgments or in any way make those of us in the widow community feel bad about the decisions they make.

Do you think I can fit that on a bumper sticker?

While that article does point out a very specific problem, it mainly points to those people outside of our circle who have no idea what it's like to be us.

But...what about those of us who do?

I'm guilty of it (but less so now than I used to be).  I wasn't very vocal about it, but there have been times during my widowhood when I've silently judged a fellow griever and questioned the decisions he or she has made.  And I've probably done it for the same reason as the rest of the world, widowed or not, and that is to make myself feel better about my own questionable decisions.

After all...aren't most decisions questionable?  That's why they are decisions.  If there was a hard and fast rule to living any life, we wouldn't have to make any.

Huh.  I had no idea I was going to say that before I typed it.

Anyway,  I've found that usually when people give unwanted advice or feel that their opinions are so right they have to be heard, it's usually in an area where they feel insecure about what's going on in their own lives.

People in unhappy relationships can't wait to tell you if you should or should not be dating.

People who hate their jobs can't wait to give you professional advice.

People who have juvenile delinquents for kids are the first to tell you how to parent.

You get my drift.

~

So, I'm going to take a guess and say that where we widows suffer the most judgment is in the world of relationships.  And I'm betting that most of the judgment we feel is actually from others in The Widowhood, especially when we've decided to bravely accept a new person into our lives.  We can sympathize with others when it comes to changing jobs or moving or the hardships of single parenting.

But if one of us starts dating or - gasp - gets remarried...you never know what people are going to say.

Oh, sure. Most people will publicly announce that they're happy and maybe some of them are. But many don't understand, don't want to understand, or...okay, I'm just going to say it...are jealous of someone else who's found happiness again.

I feel like I can say that because I've been on both sides of that coin.

I've had friends who have been widowed a lot less longer than I have who have married or have been in long-term relationships longer than the failed one I attempted a couple of years ago.  And while 95% of me is happy for them...the other 5% is wailing, "Why not ME?" 

On the other hand, while I was in the previously stated failed relationship, I had several people in the widowed community tell me I couldn't possibly understand what they were going through because I had a boyfriend.

Really?  One doesn't cancel out the other, people.

I know that because while I was in a relationship that didn't diminish how much I missed my husband.  And I have heard from MANY of you who have bravely wandered this path into New Relaionshipdom who email me and tell me how much you still miss your late spouse.

The difference is that the people who have stayed solidly single feel more comfortable with admitting it than those who have embarked on a new relationship.  Their grief is usually held silently, afraid of the judgments of widowed  and non, and they'd rather be perceived as someone who has "moved on" to the rest of the world rather than someone who is still "stuck" on someone else, even though they're with someone new. 

Some of the bravest people I know are those who put their lives right out there in public and take whatever criticism comes their way.  Those bloggers and leaders in the widow community who have worked so hard to just be happy, whether it's through work or a relationship or both, have put up with a lot of judgment, mainly from the communities they've tried to serve. 

~

Do you know what I wish for?  (Other than the winning PowerBall ticket.)

I wish that every person on the planet would just admit they don't know what in the hell they're doing.  Because do any of us really?  I don't.  While I've had "what was she thinking" flash through my brain many times these last eight years when I hear about another person's life decisions, I've come to realize that whomever it is that I'm judging probably doesn't know what they're thinking either - and they really don't need my input.

I was scared to death when I moved, even though I tried to assure everyone I knew exactly what I was doing.  I'm scared to be single, scared to be in a relationship.  I started a new job and was scared that I wouldn't be able to carry the burden of work and parenting all on my own, but if you had asked me when I started I would have said, "I'm so excited."

Any decision we make has a 50/50 chance of working out.  And I can guarantee you that as you're judging someone else for the choices they're making, no one is being harder on themselves than the person in question.

I mean, do you really think that a widow getting ready to walk down the aisle isn't thinking to herself just a little bit, "I hope I'm doing the right thing"?

She doesn't know that what she's doing is 100% right.

And guess what?

Neither do you.